The Office of the Registrar has been receiving many complaints from undergraduate students across campus concerning their course registration. Most of these complaints are from students who are upset with the priority a select few students receive for registration. One student was quoted stating that she was “outraged by the [incredibly helpful]* Registrar staff, who has been doing [everything in their power]* to improve this situation. I [love]* them.” In an attempt to appease the furious student body, the Registrar has decided to implement a brand new registration system that students will use in the future to register for classes.
The new Comprehensive Academic Scheduler for Technology Education (C.A.S.T.E.) System will completely revolutionize the registration schedule. With the C.A.S.T.E. system in place, there will be a more even spread of students who get registration priority. Up until now, the registration schedule has been as follows:
Monday – Seniors, Pinnacle Scholars, Athletes, SGA Senators, Honor Board Members, Clarke Scholars, and Residential Assistants
Tuesday – No One
Wednesday – Juniors
Thursday – No One
Friday – Freshmen and Sophomores
However, this is how the registration week would look with the innovative new C.A.S.T.E. System in place:
Monday – Seniors, Pinnacle Scholars, Athletes, SGA Senators, Honor Board Members, Clarke Scholars, and Residential Assistants
Tuesday – Jim
Wednesday – Juniors
Thursday – High School Seniors, Pierce Staff, The Cast of High School Musical II, Clifford The Big Red Dog, and A Jar of Peanut Butter
Friday – Freshmen and Sophomores
The Registrar feels that the decision to add even more students with priority during registration is the most fair thing to do. They say that they may even be adding a new feature to the system that allows students to register a full month earlier than everyone else, but only if they can juggle. When asked about how they pick which students get registration priority, one Registrar staff member said, “Basically, how it works is we take a bunch of chimpanzees and sit them at laptops.” The registrar claims that this system actually introduces perfect randomness for the first time and creates fair opportunities for everyone. However, this system is not flawless. They can’t take everything that the monkeys type up, so they filter out some things manually. In another interview with the Registrar, they conceded that “Once, one of the monkeys typed: ‘Registration priority should be based on the year and GPA of the students to make it a merit-based system.’ This was immediately disregarded, as it made no sense whatsoever. What were we talking about again? You should probably go talk to your advisor; I have to finish my sudoku.” As you can see, the Registrar clearly has everything under control, and everyone should just sit back, relax, and let the professionals handle it.
*Quote edited to filter out potentially harmful language.
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