On coping

When I’m good, I’m good. But when I’m low, I really hit low.

As in obsessive, impulsive, can’t-shut-my-brain-off low.

The last two weeks of my life were a bit rough for me, to put it gently. It was a perfect storm: a tempest of some very good things, mixed with some very bad things, in a swirling concoction seemingly designed to press my buttons all-too-perfectly. I was already feeling vulnerable, and then things just got worse.

As a result: I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t breathe. I felt like I was on the verge of a mental breakdown every few seconds, for the most irrational of reasons. My body hated me for the way I was punishing it, and my brain wasn’t doing me any favors, either. The people in my life were probably sick and tired of hearing me talk about what was on my mind, but I couldn’t help it — once the words started, they kept tumbling out, as if of their own accord. But unlike what talking it out usually does for me, I only grew more restless, more anxious. Peace was nowhere to be found.

My coping mechanisms? Admittedly, terrible. I’d rather not put them in print for all of posterity to see, but let’s just say that I’m not very kind to myself. Ironic, given that just last week, I literally wrote about trying to be kinder to myself. But as the saying goes: do as I say, not as I do. And everyone’s capable of hypocrisy. It’s just our nature.

Part of it, I think, has to do with my general attitude towards this sort of thing. Self-love and self-kindness always struck me as the kind of thing only suckers go for. Life moves fast and leaves you in the dust if you lick your wounds too long. You just need to keep running and beat yourself up to do it if need be. Or so I always thought.

Then, the storm happened — and then, just when I couldn’t take it any longer, the storm passed.

Mentally punishing myself did me no good. Didn’t make the answers come any easier. Didn’t change the outcome of what happened next. I gained nothing by putting myself through hell.

One thing I took away: it’s important not to become engulfed by one’s distress. What seemed like an ocean of misery one moment looked trivial and silly to me not long after. My peace of mind didn’t need to be the collateral damage. My fear was the interest paid on a debt I didn’t owe in the first place.

So the next time I see storm clouds on the horizon, I hope I remember to pull myself together. Breathe. Be kind and not cruel to myself. Because as the saying goes — this too shall pass. As these things always do.