Stevens Student Blown Away by Howe Wind

Last week, an unnamed Stevens student was literally blown away by the hurricane-force winds that are always present in front of the Howe Center. Eyewitnesses have reported that the student’s umbrella got caught in the wind, causing him to go flying Mary Poppins-style. After being buffeted by the wind for a few minutes, he landed on the horse statue in front of the library and had to sit next to the naked dude for an hour until campus police could get him down.

This is the fourth time this month that someone has been injured or seriously inconvenienced by the raging tornado that is always surrounding Howe, and it has been causing pandemonium on campus. Protests have broken out in front of Howe, demanding that the wind “chill for a bit.” In response, all of the protesters’ signs were blown into the Hudson, an act that was described as a “dick move.” Campus police had been dispatched to arrest the wind, but all of their hats flew away in the breeze, causing them to lose all respectability and therefore ability to arrest anyone.

The whirlwind has been nicknamed “Farvardin’s Fury” by students, who are increasingly annoyed with the ridiculously fast wind. “The wind took my dog,” said one student holding an empty leash. “I was walking my chihuahua in front of Howe and the wind tore him from the leash. The last I saw of him, he was flying halfway across the Hudson.” People have also lost notebooks, laptops, and small children to the mercy of the gale, never to be seen again.

The administration has noted these complaints and has decided to do something about the wind. This morning, officials announced that they will begin charging the wind for room and board, hoping the high cost will cause the wind to flee out of financial insecurity. The Mechanical Engineering department has also developed a giant fan in the hopes of blowing the wind away, hopefully somewhere like NJIT. If all else fails, Stevens plans to place wind turbines near Howe, with current estimates saying that they could generate enough energy to power half of Hoboken. As of yet, the wind has refused to comment.