Snevets closing

On Today, March 31, at 8:00 am, from his house, on the Snevets campus, next to the Castle Point Hall, President Narfarvar made a statement that cannot be quoted here since this reporter forgot to quote him. However, the gist was remembered, since the statement had such far-reaching effects. Snevets Institute of Technology, after 147 years of education, will be closing. All sports teams will continue activities, as well as any ethnic clubs, media organizations, forum communities, on-campus jobs and, obviously, the continued construction projects scattered across campus. However, all classes will be canceled next semester, although registration will still be open in the coming week. Offices will be closing starting yesterday, and will continue to close through august, when the Res Life offices will finally close. Any credit transfers will need to be requested immediately, as all record of any student activities (aside from billing) will be literally shredded and burned on May 18th.

Narfarvar continued to announce a celebratory bonfire that will be scheduled for May 18, with a whole day filled with activities. Faculty will be fighting gladiator style for their severance pay in the morning, and any fallen fighters will be given Viking funerals on the Hudson as the sun sets, on boats built throughout the day by however many Naval Engineers can be gathered together.

He then returned to the logistics of the school’s closing. Any students currently working on graduate degrees will be laughed at and dismissed, but all undergrad students can transfer credits if they put in a request to the office of undergraduate academics before the employees are eliminated in the gladiator battles mentioned earlier this article.

All housing contracts still apply for the next semester, regardless of the fact that all on campus housing will be detonated in whatever manner the Chem-Bio majors can manage. Palmer Hall will be spared, because those students have suffered enough. Off-campus housing is still provided, and waitlisted students are still guaranteed housing, discussed in a separate article on page LAYOUT NOTE. Any RAs chosen for next year will be paid until August, when Res life offices will close permanently. Due to this, room inspections can only be carried out on Mondays. Res Life apologizes for the inconvenience.

Any and all scholarships being provided by this school become useless, since the Institute will no longer exist, and once again, housing contracts still must be honored by all students. The fee to back out of these contracts has also increased to $20,000, in order to help pay for the colosseum that will need to be built for the aforementioned battles. Of course, due to current Res Life policies, meal plans are still required by all but commuter students. Snevets Food services will be closing on April 2, so that funds may be funneled into the colosseum project.

President Narfarvar thanks all current Snevets students, and encourages them to do well in the future, before asking one final time for alumni donations, then entering his private helicopter and flying off to his personal island.