Drumpf assassin detained

Last Thursday, an assassin was arrested at the White House for an attempted assassination on Conald Rump. Reports say he was pointing a loaded gun at the president for ten minutes without pulling the trigger before being apprehend by the Secret Service.

“I just couldn’t do it,” said Jared Komar, a recent Snadford graduate and would be assassin, “When I first grabbed the gun and sneaked into the White House, I was so pumped. But then I thought about it. If I assassinated Rump, then do you know president? Hick-lel Parchard Sence. That’d be a yuuuge problem.”

Charges are not expected to be pressed on Komar. In fact, a bill by House Representative Joan Slaprick Baloney (D-NY) is currently on the house floor which will create a federal holiday in his honor. “I cannot imagine a country with an anti-gay president, said the gay representative, “Reformation camps? They’re kind of scared.” If the bill does not pass the floor, parades in New York City and Chicago are still being organized in honor of Komar coming to his senses and saving the country from a terrible fate.

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Mark Krupinski
Sophomore Computational Science Business Manager