For many of us, college is a time when we are taught many life lessons that will resonate for the rest of our lives. It’s a time of change and discovery that can leave freshmen feeling lost and overwhelmed by new responsibilities and unspoken rules and expectations. One of the biggest changes for me and those around me has been learning the difference between knowing people and having friends. At some point during the mess of orientation week, we’ve all been added to 20 different group chats, our following lists have doubled despite having spoken to maybe 10 of those new people following you, and you’ve promised to hang out with more people than you can remember. Somewhere in that blur, the true meaning of friendship and the value of real connection become lost, and we forget the importance of quality over quantity, especially when it comes to people we can trust.
For me, this realization started in high school. I always had a lot of friends, always had someone to go out with, and was overall someone who had a pretty good social life. When I came here, I lost almost all of that. I was left scrambling to try and find their “replacements.” I said yes to any plan and would go out and do things all day and night, but in the process, I ended up confusing who I really am with who I’m pretending to be in order to be more appealing to the people around me. Over time, this performance leaves you lonelier than you would’ve thought, and those feelings can creep up before you notice them. I think for us girls, this balance of “who am I?” and “who am I to others?” is something that we struggle with. From the beginning, we’re taught to be nice and easy to work with, and that can transfer onto the dynamics we have with the people we’ve just met or the friends we’re trying to make. But this process of being likeable can start to bear the weight of a full-time job and is exhausting for everyone.
So I think it’s time to start paying attention to the difference. It’s easy to get to know people, and there’s nothing wrong with having those connections with others. Recognize the importance of the little gestures, like sharing notes with that guy next to you in lecture, or that girl you stuck by at a party. Those people are equally important, and I’m glad I have them in my life. But they aren’t my friends, and that’s okay! You can have good experiences with people without owing them a friendship, and you can recognize that liking someone doesn’t mean you’ll remain friends. Friendships are built over time and through the reality of our lives, through schoolwork and endless responsibilities. It can seem daunting at first, and it can get a little lonely. You’re suddenly left with nothing to really do around campus, and you can feel like you’re missing out. But in that free time, you’ll build relationships with the few people you connect with, and that’s when you’ll find the people who you’ll value the most for the next four years.
If you’re a freshman reading this, know that you do not need to have a big group together by October, and you don’t need to have a people-pleasing persona at all times. Be kind to everyone, but save your energy for those who are kind in return. Know and be comfortable with the idea of being a little alone these first few months, and know that eventually you will build that friendship with those who are meant to be your friends.
