The warning signs have been showing up for a while, but it has now been made official. Snevets has officially put a ban on fun. In response to student grades and productivity being lower than desired, the university has decided to take a new approach to increasing work ethic. After conducting much research, university officials have discovered that students spend a disconcerting amount of time doing things like “hanging out” or “having fun”… and other weird things like “smiling.” Having fun has proven to be too brain-stimulating, so when students resume their schoolwork, they often find it too unengaging or boring. To remedy this, all fun activities are to be prohibited, so that students won’t have anything else to do but their work. Friends, video games, sports, clubs — all these frivolous things are given countless hours that could instead be spent on doing school work. Thus, new initiatives are being put in place to prevent these activities and encourage students to spend more time on what actually matters.
Any activities that bring positive emotions are to be promptly shut down and put to a stop. If it causes your lips to do that weird thing where they curve up, it will be categorized as a Smiling or Happiness Infraction Transgression (SHIT). Punishments for being caught doing SHIT will result in the student being sentenced to public stoning.
Major changes that will go into effect are as follows:
- Students attend class exhausted too frequently, so a mandatory bedtime at 9 p.m. will be enforced campus-wide
- There will be electric fences installed around all Schaefer lawns to prevent people from playing spikeball or having multiracial picnics (picnics will be allowed if approved by a campus photographer)
- All naughty words will be banned, such as poop, fart, crap, and dookie. They are immature and should never be uttered.
- The SGA will pay for random people to drive around campus on electric scooters.
- All clubs have been forced to disband to prevent student unionizing against the new policies… with the exception of the furry club. Officials are too scared to approach them.
- Sex has been found to be among the most unproductive of student activities, so in order to engage in sexual intercourse, all involved individuals must have their sex permission slip signed by their RA and three witnesses present at the time of signing.
- To prevent students from having non-campus food in their dorms, mini fridges will be replaced with even minier fridges.
- Tillie is currently being psychologically reconditioned to be a reverse therapy dog, and as opposed to bringing comfort to students, she will learn to prey on and feed their deepest insecurities and fears.
- Peirce Dining Hall food will no longer have salt. This is unrelated to the fun ban, they just wanted to do that.
To enforce such guidelines, the school has organized the Anti-Serotonin Squadron, or A.S.S., an elite task force trained to detect any kind of joy and put a stop to it. These agents are retired homeowners from suburban New Jersey who are already psychologically conditioned to hate kids whenever they’re enjoying themselves. If you have any questions, you can ask A.S.S. in their newly established office in South Tower — it’s the office with “Live Laugh Love” and “Bless this mess” signs outside it. They will be conducting routine searches of dorms to check for any S.H.I.T, so please be ready for mandatory A.S.S inspections.
We understand that all these changes can be very upsetting, but they don’t really care. Try taking up a new pastime, like filing taxes or watching paint dry. These may seem like changes for the worse, but it’s a sacrifice the school is willing to make to get those grades up.
Disclaimer: This article is part of The Stupe and is satire
