In a groundbreaking move that has left absolutely no one surprised, the university has officially announced the launch of His Stevens, a long-overdue counterpart to Her Stevens that aims to spotlight the deeply underrepresented voices of men everywhere, especially at a school where they make up roughly 70% of the population and 112% of the volume in every lecture hall.
The new platform promises to cover hard-hitting topics that matter most to male students, such as “Are Dining Hall Portions Big Enough for My Gains?,” “Why Group Projects Are Actually Solo Projects For Women,” and a six-part investigative series titled “Do Professors Hate Me, or Am I Just Not Turning Anything In?” Early drafts also included “Why Attendance Is Optional (For Me Specifically)” and “The Art of Emailing ‘Just Following Up’ Without Ever Reading the Syllabus.”
“We noticed a serious gap in campus media,” said one anonymous founder, adjusting his backwards hat with urgency. “There just weren’t enough spaces where men could share their opinions without interruption. Or fact-checking. Or being wrong, hypothetically.”
His Stevens will feature a variety of columns written by self-proclaimed experts in fields ranging from “Intro to Philosophy (Dropped Week 3)” to “Finance Bro Mindset” and “Intermediate Explaining Things to People Who Didn’t Ask.” One recurring section, Gym Thoughts, will include philosophical reflections such as “Is leg day a social construct?” and “If I don’t post it, did I even lift?” Another column, Debugging My Situationship, explores complex emotional issues using flowcharts, pseudocode, and a refusal to communicate directly. The publication also plans to lean into the school’s tech-heavy identity. A weekly feature titled Stack Overflowed With Emotion will document students attempting to troubleshoot both code and feelings, often with similar levels of success. Meanwhile, Office Hours Speedrun offers tips on how to show up the week before finals and still ask, “So… what exactly are we doing in this class?”
In the spirit of professional development, His Stevens is launching a mentorship initiative called Big Bro Energy, where upperclassmen guide freshmen through essential life skills like starting a podcast, explaining cryptocurrency at parties, and saying “lowkey” and “highkey” in the same sentence without irony. Workshops will also cover advanced techniques such as nodding thoughtfully during group discussions and then repeating the same point slightly louder than the girl next to you.
In the name of inclusivity, His Stevens has emphasized that all are welcome to read its content, as long as they’re prepared to encounter at least three references to protein intake, one mention of a startup idea, and a casual reminder that the author is “actually building something on the side.” Campus reactions have been mixed. Some students expressed confusion, while others noted that His Stevens content appears to already exist in abundance across group chats, Discord servers, and unsolicited classroom contributions that begin with “Wait, actually-.” One student reported accidentally subscribing after someone pitched it as “like LinkedIn, but more vulnerable.” Still, the founders remain optimistic. “This isn’t just a publication,” one member explained. “It’s a movement. A lifestyle. A brand. And potentially a startup if we can secure funding.”
At press time, His Stevens editors were reportedly in a heated debate over whether their first official merch drop should include quarter-zips, trucker hats, or a limited-edition Patagonia vest that they will insist is “business casual.” A competing proposal suggests skipping merch entirely and launching an app no one asked for. Regardless of the outcome, one thing is clear: His Stevens is here to ensure that, finally, men at this overwhelmingly male-dominated tech school have a voice on campus and that it is heard, loudly, confidently, and during every single moment of silence.
