Earlier this year, Bohoken was hit with a historic winter storm, leaving over 20 inches of snow around the city. City officials quickly began one of the largest snow removal operations in recent years, leaving large snow piles in remote areas for residents to find. After a few weeks of persistent below-freezing temperatures, the sun finally peered through, and the snow slowly disappeared. At Snevets, however, the snow mountains have remained, and The Stupe has set out to discover why.
It turns out, apparently, the plows utilized this winter were made of a special material called Vibralloy, and the repetitive scraping motion of the shovel blade against the snow generated a precise frequency of mechanical vibration that fundamentally reorganized the hydrogen bonding network within the ice crystals. As a result, the shovel induced a phase transition into a rare metastable polymorph of ice, tentatively classified as Ice-XIX, or what the team is informally calling “Shovel Ice.”
Unlike conventional ice, which melts at 32°F under standard atmospheric pressure, Ice-XIX has a dramatically elevated melting point of approximately 120°F that slowly lowers as time goes by. The altered crystal structure, characterized by an anomalously rigid tetrahedral hydrogen bond geometry, means the snowpack is essentially immune to the current temperatures. It is projected that the melting point will reach 90°F by mid-July and 60°F by mid-October. By early 2027, we can say goodbye to “Shovel Ice.”
This also explains the failure of Snevets’ repeated de-icing efforts since March. Conventional road salt lowers the freezing point of water by disrupting ion interactions at the ice surface. Ice-XIX’s tighter lattice structure, however, presents a surface area roughly 40% less permeable to ionic infiltration, meaning the salt simply sits on top, doing nothing, in what researchers are describing as “a thermodynamic standoff.” Facilities have reportedly gone through 670 pounds of salt since February. The piles haven’t gotten the hint.
Environmental science professors are reportedly thrilled. “What we’re seeing here is genuinely unprecedented,” said Dr. Margarita Narfarvar, who has submitted a grant proposal to study the microbiome developing inside Pile No. 3, located on Palm Tree Lawn. “There are layers in there dating back to February 4. We’ve found a Chipotle bag, three dining hall plates, and what appears to be a Snevets mug we thought we lost in 2019.”
There has since been an additional barrier placed around Pile No. 3, and students are asked to remain at least 15 feet away “out of an abundance of caution.” No further explanation was provided. When reached for comment, a spokesperson from Snevets Facilities Management issued a brief written statement: “The university is aware of the snow piles, their emerging friends, and is monitoring the situation. Students and faculty are advised to plan their routes accordingly.”
Disclaimer: This article is part of The Stupe and is satire
