On Friday, March 27, something absolutely wild happened. Listen here pal, because I’ve got quite the story to tell. So like, ok, you know Attila (the duck) and Tillie (the dog), right? Well you better or golly gosh gee I’m not sure what to tell you. Anyway, yeah so last Friday. You wouldn’t believe it, but they high-key played Fortnite. Now, I can already hear you: “Oh get a load of this guy, a duck and dog can’t play Fortnite — you’re already on some thin ice buster.” To that, I say I’ve about had it up to here with your comments, so let me just tell this story.
So they were playing, you know, like the regular battle royale mode with 100 players and Attila and Tillie both dropped in the infamous drop location, Tilted Towers. I should just preface that these two players are absolute menaces at this game — I mean the fact you doubted that they’d played Fortnite at all is crazy because holy cow! With that said, it’s no surprise that they just dominated there, so they were the only ones left in the drop. Yeah, and when they came across each other, Attila was like, “Why I oughta” and Tillie was like, “Hold your horses, you’re barking (hah) up the wrong tree,” and so they decided not to duel just yet and split.
For Pete’s sake, and there you go again, I can already hear the “Nice try, pal, but ducks and dogs can’t talk, either.” Okay, well, watch it Einstein, because NEWSFLASH, they found lions singing with perfect human vocals in the live action The Lion King, so how do you like them apples? Hate to burst your bubble, but I think if singing lions are a thing, then a duck and dog talking isn’t that far of a stretch of the imagination.
Anyway, so yeah, a lot of the bulk of the game wasn’t that interesting, but all you need to know is that these two separately just really handed it to these whippersnappers. By now, the storm circle was pretty small, and for the first time since the fabled Tilted Towers, Attila and Tillie came across each other. When they saw each other, Attila bodaciously said, “You mess with the bull, you get the horns” and Tillie was like “Ohhhhh BROTHER, well look what the cat dragged in. I’m going to give you a piece of my mind.” As they expertly ducked behind walls and approached each other, the banter continued. Tillie threw out a “Check yourself before you riggidy-wreck yourself,” and Attila was like “You can say THAT again.” The gameplay continued. Tillie eventually got the first strike, beaming Attila from the top of a building and breaking shield. When this happened, Attila was like, “What the flip? That tears it!,” to which Tillie was like, “Well THAT just happened.”
Suddenly, Attila felt a strong burning sensation — a desperate, growing will to survive. Quickly ducking. Reloading. Peeking past the wall. A deep horror began to settle in as Attila recognized Tillie had since disappeared into the mist of the breeze. It was already beyond apparent that this was much more than a game — a mere brief pondering revealed as clear as the beaming sky that this was less a battle of entertainment than one of fortune and fate.
The silence gave Attila more time to become lost in thought. Swaying trees produced a calming oasis in the desert of stress and contempt. Yet, in a world dominated by a thrill to be the last soul alive, could true peace ever exist? True, the victor would free themselves from the shackles of pain and anxiety — the need to fight for the next day. However, is peace truly an infinite absence of all worries, or instead the brief moments of idle, satisfactory joy? Can the idea of peace exist without its counter — emerging in a vacuum as the opposite of a facet of life whose heart is no longer still beating? The one who finds themselves atop the hill of pride and joy would be remembered only by time as all other bodies lie forever resting, void of any set of eyes to fold in a hesitant, pensive smile before they one day pass on themselves beyond the plane of pure serenity. Then Attila was like, “Erm, she’s right behind me, isn’t she?” as Tillie won and hit the griddy.
Disclaimer: This article is part of The Stupe and is satire
