I am now far enough into semester two where I can reflect on how much I’ve changed since the first one. This is my first time writing for this panel, but last time I checked, I was still a freshman. That information has been weird to digest lately because I am finally starting to figure out what exactly it is I am doing. I am starting to get my feet under me.
The first semester was not my best; I spent most of it in my dorm and avoided people on purpose. I had this idea in my head that I wasn’t welcome anywhere or that I didn’t deserve friendships. This semester, however, I have a nice big group of friends, and I am writing for a band with some upperclassmen. It’s genuinely so crazy to me how much I have grown in such a short period of time. I’ve learned how to understand that I am worthy of all of my friendships, and now I have older friends who have been knocking some sense into me about it.
I was genuinely falling apart at the end of the first semester, and my only goal was to come back and teach myself confidence. I’m still in disbelief at how far I have come, and I am proud of all of the progress. As a freshman, it’s definitely really easy to feel super overwhelmed all the time — the feeling comes in waves. I will have a week where everything feels cinematic, and then the next week, it’s all so overwhelming that I shut down. Keeping track of these moments is important. You’re allowed to feel burnt out or stressed, but these experiences ultimately work towards progress. In the first semester, I couldn’t even talk to people, but now, it feels like I know everyone.
It is still hard for me to feel worthy of my relationships, but it’s getting a lot easier. The awkwardness and discomfort of the first semester are long gone, and now everything is okay. I had to get to this semester before I could fully understand that I wasn’t alone in those feelings. The entire point of the first semester for us freshmen is that we are ALL new to this. I was so afraid to make mistakes and put myself out there I didn’t even realize that everyone was in the same boat as me.
There is so much to be excited about now. As a Music and Technology major, I have an internship coming up in March, along with some recording with my band. This is the stuff I was stressing myself about so hard in the first semester for not doing, and here I am doing all of it now. I feel so much more refreshed this semester, and all of my sadness has righted itself. The first semester was a lot of homesickness and discomfort and a huge time for all of my internalized insecurities to come out and manipulate me. This semester, I am going to do a lot more for myself, socially and academically, because I’ve figured out what works for me, and I’m no longer afraid of failure. My fear of failure is what was holding me back, and I still don’t have all the answers, but that’s totally okay. I am super prepared for things to get stressful again, but it actually does get easier.
