I am ever so proud to be a Snevets student, as our very lively atmosphere, social scene, and school spirit are always bolstering my pride! However, it may come as a shock to many that our student body actually has a few very microscopic flaws. In hopes of encouraging the student body to further improve ourselves, I will be pointing out all of our Red Flags.
Our Greek Life scene is insane! Actually, I’m surprised that RushTok focused on the University of Alabama and not us! The amount of dagers we have every single day of the week leaves the outside world wondering, “when do Snevets students study?” There’s nothing more fun than a Friday night where all 112 Fraternities are throwing at once, including APO and the infamous Cog and Square society. The most rambunctious dager I ever attended was actually hosted by the Linux club. Please, my fellow students, we must tone down this crazy partying, it is out of pocket, and I am worried about our academic standing!!!
When I think of Snevets, I am immediately overwhelmed with a sense of school spirit. Every single Red and Gray Friday, the campus is overwhelmed with our lovely wrinkly elephant skin, gray, and tomato red! However my fellow students, I am beginning to wonder if we have too much school spirit. Hoboken residents have reported feeling overwhelmed by our constant and impromptu performances of the Duck Dance in local coffee shops, grocery stores, and on public transit. Additionally, the most recent Snevet’s basketball game had such a large student section that the fire department had to come and physically remove some students in order to comply with capacity restrictions. These students fought admirably as their duck dancing became so violent that it was almost impossible to remove them from the facility. Please, my fellow students, I haven’t slept in days due to the constant chanting of “ATILLA ATILLA” outside of my window.
Additionally, we need to develop our grad school; its non-existence is a MAJOR red flag. I have literally never met a grad student in my entire life, and all of the classrooms, as well as Babi Pati, are so empty and lonely at night. Oh, how I long for a hoard of graduate students to come to eat all of the free food at the various campus undergrad events, right now, so much goes to waste! Additionally, the current TAs are way too competent and understand the material too well; I mean, this is Snevets, we want to be confused and challenged! Give me a TA who looks the other way when you raise your hand for help. A TA who willingly admits that they have absolutely no idea what is going on.
Finally, Pierce dining hall is way too delicious and glutinous. In the face of all of the global tragedies of this day and age, it’s just a bad look to be eating such scrumptious michelin star food. Give us some adversity, undercook our chicken, put a bug in our food, upcharge us a few bucks at the UCC. For heaven’s sake, the food is so good that Favardin brings his family there regularly!
Anyways, my fellow students, if we all work together to address these red flags, we will surely experience an increase in tuition, which is a positive reflection of the growth of our school.
Disclaimer: This article is part of The Stupe and is satire.
