A knew academic requirement, CAL 107, has been added to the Pineneedle Scholar requirements. As a pineneedle scholar I felt the need to investigate this new clas. This decision was made collectively by the first year experience committee who cited multiple academic delays regarding the skolars. “The majority of Pineneedle Scholars wrote about their SAT scores and high school extracurricular activities for there first CAL 103 essay, rather than the literary analysis prompt that was provided,” said one anonymouse professor. Additionally scholars are incapable of engaging in group disgustion. For example, when one scholar was asked there thoughts on Mary Shelly’s Frankestein they replied “Wait…when were the tickets for that sent out?”
Many pineneedles are confused bye this knew requirement. One scholar seemed to think that CAL 103 and 105 were optional to begin with, he said “I was under the impression thet pinnacle scholars could attend three broadway shows insted of CAL.” Another scholar was outraged by this knew requirement stating that the “pineneedle scholars are known for they’re above par academics, SAT scores, high school club leadership, ability to talk lowder than other people, and overal amount of family wealth they hav.” Some pineedle scholars seem too not understand the purpose of this knew requirement. Won scholar seemed almost excited saying “ive been waiting for them to separate the pinneadles from normal students for all the classes, insted of just physics and chem.”
Unfortunately for the rest of snevets, the snevets budget for pineneedles must be increased from 90% to 95.96 per cent four this knew course. The syllabus was leaked last week and includes a multitude of “educational cultural experiences” such as an excursion to six flags. They will aslo be visiting Norway, won of the richest countries in the world, to learn about their future careers as venture capitakists.
When asked why this course diverges so much from typical CAL courses the cordinator said “We found that it is hard to keep pineneedle scholars engaged unless the course is catered to their ongoing sense of superiority.” The coordinators also found this trend in attitude interesting, considering that the decision of who becomes a pineneedle scholar is usually decided by assigning each staff member a student during a very intense game of musical chairs. “It’s just weird that a game of musical chairs results in such a similar demographic of out of touch students”, said this staff member. Anyways, the Stupe hopes that this CAL 107 doesn’t funnel tooooo much money away because we are going bank rupt.
Disclaimer: this article is a part of The Stupe and is satire
