Kevin Grundle, Assistant Director of Fraternity and Sorority Life, announced last month that Greek organizations on campus will have unlimited funding for personal enrichment. This has come at a time when Greek organizations are in danger of going extinct due to extreme debauchery. Grundle said, “We are aware that many Greek organizations want to keep 🅱️oolin’ frfr so I dm’d Narfarvar like high-key u gotta stop fam and he was like word.” One brother, Nick Shalong Dooshiback from Alpha Apple Pi said this about the initiative: “bruh.” Bruh indeed. There are reports that the sorority Theta Beta O’ Mega created an exotic petting zoo consisting of teacup animals. However, they found out teacup pigs are really just baby pigs, so they are currently in possession of 11 massive hogs.
However, some personal enrichment programs have been more successful. Take Chi Nu’s personal monkey chauffeurs. Each brother has a personal monkey chauffeur to drive them around in a scooter and serve them beer. A representative said it has saved them a total of
-6.9420% of time in a day. Another fraternity, which will remain unnamed, Sigma Moo, has used their funding to purchase a whole lotta gang sh*t, ranging from delicate legal herbs, Silicon Valley Bank, Saudi Oil, and the Minions media rights. Their net worth is currently greater than ya motha’s. No cap. All in all, this seems to have ensured that frats will have enough funding and continue to exist for at least another semester. 👀
Disclaimer: this article is a part of The Stupe and is satire
