This past week, Snevets faculty finally completed a formulation of a BUDLITE-19 vaccine ready for a first round of clinical trials. Snevets administration has eagerly anticipated the completion of the vaccine to bring students back on campus to minimize financial losses that could not even be recovered by raising tuition during the pandemic. The vaccine efforts were spearheaded by ex-Marck employees at Snevets, supposedly with funds from Caribbean [redacted]. President Navarfar praised the Snevets faculty for their efforts, saying that the new vaccine would “allow Snevets campus life to return to normal” and was “well worth the investment.” When asked to elaborate on what the investment entailed, President Navarfar declined to clarify and promptly left for a sudden appointment.
The Snevets vaccine is especially innovative as it specifically targets the new “Snevets strain” of BUDLITE-19 originating from ducks on campus. It is suspected that ducks infected with BUDLITE-19 attended a non-socially distanced party on campus where they came in contact with unknown chemical agents that caused BUDLITE-19 to mutate into what we now recognize as the Snevets strain. The Snevets strain is highly contagious, with the mutated virus rapidly spreading from the duck population to the student body.
While the completion of the Snevets BUDLITE-19 vaccine is worthy of celebration, the vaccine has yet to be tested on humans. In a selfless and dedicated move, The Stupe’s own Editor-in-Chief, Nadalee Toad-Arrow volunteered to be the first to try the vaccine. Broadcasted live by SHITTV, Toad-Arrow received the shot in the Snevets Just-Okay Center, where her health was to be monitored during business hours. On the live broadcast, Toad-Arrow immediately started to experience vaccine related symptoms. She began quacking like a duck and her feet started to develop webbing like ducks feet. In between quacks, she also began complaining of an insatiable craving for moist bread and insects. Toad-Arrow’s condition became worse over time to the dismay of The Stupe as well as the rest of the Snevets community. Toad-Arrow had to be physically restrained as an uncontrollable urge to jump in the nearest body of water came over her. Her skin and hair also developed water-proof capabilities, making it impossible for her to shower or wash her hair. It is suspected by the Snevets faculty responsible for the vaccine that her peculiar symptoms are due to the duck cell samples used in formulating the vaccine.
In the most recent update on Toad-Arrow’s symptoms, it was discovered that she had actually broken out of the Just-Okay Center. According to campus police who tried to stop her, she claimed she had to “fly south” for the remainder of the cold months left in the season. Toad-Arrow was last seen in Miami, Florida, being detained for breaking social distancing rules while harassing beach-goers for bread and seeds.
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