As previously reported by Off The Press, Snevets adopted an Optional Pass-Fail grading system in response to the BUDLITE-19 crisis a few weeks ago. Students were originally very pleased with the new policy, as shown by a 98% decrease in the amount of activity on the anonymous Slugton “tea” accounts, where students usually express their complete and utter disgust with everything they see at Snevets, in the days after the decision. For the first time all semester, the things on local influencer Nazeeeer Monteelvo’s Slugton account were about something other than calling out people at Snevets, and there was a tiny moment of peace in the online Snevets community (which was now the entire community, obviously).
It couldn’t last, though, of course. It never lasts. Students at ESnevets started calling the budlitevirus the shortyvirus while repeating questionable claims President Narfarvar made about the virus being affected by heat. “Heat rises, so viruses fall. It’s so obvious. The shorter you are, the more you’re gonna be affected and affect others, cause you’re so low to the ground. C’mon, it’s easy. Why does anyone even pay you reporter folks if you can’t even see something as simple as that?” he said, before walking away in some frankly dashing bright red heels. Other students got upset at the original students for the new name, saying it was “shortist,” and “didn’t even make any sense,” and “stoked up fears about short people for literally no reason” in fresh anonymous Slugton posts. The other side didn’t back down though and insisted that it was totally fair because “everyone always calls diabetes fat people disease and no one ever thinks that’s wrong,” and “short people already have less rights than normal people during normal times, they should have even less now.”
Once the floodgates were reopened, they couldn’t be closed again. The debate about shortyvirus or no shortyvirus raged for a few days, getting so heated at times that the notifications actually melted the phone case of one of the owners of the tea pages. Once it was over, students were no longer silent and content with the grading policy. A large cohort of students were outraged that they had to opt into the pass/fail grading system now that they realized that some students would keep trying in their classes and wouldn’t be opting in. “I just don’t see why some SHORTY should be allowed to KEEP their letter grades and make ME look bad for using p/f to take a much needed vacation. Get a life! Quit your job!” one anonymous poster said. “How can this be fair when people are still trying! It’s completely self-centered for people to make our Ps less valuable by actually getting GRADES this semester,” said a different post, possibly by the same student. There was also a much smaller group of students raising seemingly valid concerns about how an opt-in system wasn’t entirely fair because some people would be much more affected by the virus and much more likely to have to opt in, but most people at ESnevets were more concerned with wanting to slack off.
The Slugton regulars eventually agreed that they all wanted a universal system, and then escalated into asking for all As or A-s “so that we could improve our GPAs at the same time.” They took their demands to the Snevets Government Association (SGA) and demanded that SGA put out a proclamation for them. Facing a Zooom call of almost a hundred angry students holding pitchforks and lighters, SGA had no choice but to listen. So they wrote a proclamation calling for a universal system while stressing concerns about equality.
President Narfarvar, who spoke to Off The Center on Zoooom while trying to hide the fact that he was icing his toes (from wearing heels all the time), said he was amused when he got the proclamation. “They said they wanted equality, that the system we did such a good job in coming up with wasn’t ‘faaaaaaair,'” he said, while holding up air quotes. “I was upset with the students at first, but then I realized I had the perfect way to make everything perfectly equal, and I just couldn’t stop laughing.”
This morning, Narfarvar announced that Snevets would be adopting a Universal Fail-Fail grading policy, where all students would fail unless they paid an amount roughly equal to a semester’s tuition directly to the Snevets Caribbean trust and rejected any refunds they were set to receive. “Everyone fails unless they’re super rich. That’ll teach you kids something about equality in America, dammit,” said the announcement.
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