Due to the previous dean’s sudden disappearance, Tillie was appointed Dean of Students. Tillie had an extensive history of being cute, being cute, being cute, and being cute, which made her the perfect candidate for the role.
When asked about the previous dean’s absence, Tillie responded with “bark bark bark bark.” Unfortunately, I don’t speak dog, so I don’t know what she’s saying. I have been bribed to say that Tillie is eager to make exciting changes within the university. If I weren’t being bribed, I would have also reported that Tillie had a particularly sinister grin, and I have been warned not to let Tillie near anything sharp.
Tillie has emphasized that dogs weren’t represented enough within the Stevens community, and the entire university did not follow her Instagram account. To accommodate this, clubs will now have to pay Tillie for the privilege of existing. These fees will go to very important things like Tillie’s huge mansion built after Crabbio Center’s demolition or the Tillie shrine that will replace Chow Center. Additionally, at least one event per month must be dedicated to Tillie and should be filled with dog treats and a mandatory speech about how awesome Tillie is. If clubs don’t meet these requirements, Tillie will, unfortunately, have to pay a visit to each e-board member’s private residence, begging them with her adorable puppy dog eyes to reconsider. Some were so touched by this act of cuteness that they decided to move to a farm. The students asked for zero contact because they are too busy with farmwork and perfecting their statue of Tillie.
If you discount the negative ratings, Tillie had a 120% approval rate, a record high for faculty, especially for someone as new as her. Some comments mentioned how grateful they are for Tillie’s leadership and how Tillie even visits their families to make sure that they are doing well.
“Oh yeah, I love Tillie,” one anonymous student said while petting Tillie. “She’s so amazing, and I love paying thousands of dollars in tuition to support her. I remember when my club had actual events related to our interests, but who needs that?” they laughed. “Tillie is just far more important than my future career.”
In fact, Tillie had done such a good job as Dean of Students that she was promoted to Stevens’ President after the previous president’s strange disappearance. “Bark bark woof woof bark,” said Tillie during her second interview. She was making a bold fashion statement by wearing a dog-sized crown complete with new splatters of red on her fur. “Woof woof woof.” As someone who totally knows what Tillie is saying, Tillie is saddened by Narfarvar’s absence and hopes that she will live up to his legacy. She noted that her term as president is an exciting new step for her quest in world domination.
“Bark bark,” Tillie concluded, which I hope are words of wisdom ok, why am I writing this article? I can’t translate whatever Tillie is saying, and whatever bribe money I get paid isn’t enough to justi- Tillie, how did you find out where I live? Tillie, is that a knife? Tillie, please don’t do th-
Disclaimer: This article is part of The Stupe and is satire
