In 1987, Snevets’ founder famously gave a speech about the benefits of not touching grass, claiming that grass was a disgrace to everything they stood for. Since then, Snevets’ students have dedicated their lives to the pursuit that not a single blade of grass should be touched. However, new research indicated that this strange commitment may not be the healthiest lifestyle choice. Professor Ast Rickley’s recent study discovered that the lack of grass exposure may lead to side effects like coughing, sore throat, and cancer.
The study consisted of 1,028 Snevets students who hadn’t gone outside in the past month and were contacted through their Skype accounts. Throughout this long-term study, participants answered questions like “Have you seen the sun in the last week?” “Do you know what a park is?” and “Does your doctor think you need more vitamin D?” After the 17-year-long observation concluded, out of the 1,028 students, 1,027 had reported they had some type of cancer. From his hospital bed, the last student denied having cancer and that his current condition was simply a result of grinding too hard on LinkedIn connections.
Rickley, a teaching assistant professor from the Computer Science department, started this research because he noticed that throughout the years, every single student he interacted with had cancer. While Rickley noted that Snevets students are often strangers to sleep, internships, and love, he urges students not to be strangers to grass. “I got to make everyone understand that touching grass is a necessity,” he said frantically. “I don’t get why these students are fully committed to this weird bit. And don’t get me started on the faculty. I’ve known Narfarvar for so long, but I’m not certain he even knows what a tree is.”
However, the backlash from Snevets’ students was extremely severe. Many noted that it was a time-honored tradition, and their acceptance to Snevets was dependent on it. One of the Common App questions specifically mentioned that you must not have touched grass since elementary school. One student in particular claimed that there was no easily accessible way to do so because of the lack of lawns and parks nearby. “Besides, that professor is probably lying,” the student said. “I read a newspaper graphic where touching grass actually leads to cancer, and because that fits my worldview, that’s the truth I’m going with.”
In response to the backlash, Rickley remarked, “Why would I lie about this? My intention wasn’t to hurt students but to make them aware of the potential health risks. Don’t tell me that you are too blind to see this epidemic that’s happening.” In an effort to reduce the cancer risk, Rickley began having homework assignments where the objective was to find the nearest lawn and stand on it for a minute. Unfortunately, not a single student managed to turn it in, despite the assignment being worth 49% of their grade.
“I’m not going to give up on these students, and I’m certainly not going to let them down. These students have a bright future ahead, and I won’t desert my quest in making them touch grass.”
