As most of you know, I am graduating in May. Yup, a senior writing the senioritis column… groundbreaking. But most of you knew that by reading this column every week, flipping between me and Anna as we yap about life and stuff.
I actually have some really exciting news, though. I finally figured out what I wanted to do with my life after college. I am pleased to announce that I have decided to switch my major to AI. I know that this will add four years to my undergraduate degree, but what can I say? I love Snevets! I just want to stay here longer because I just love it so much.
Artificial intelligence is my true calling, and it has given me a voice. Much more than that, it has given me real friends. Well, not real, but you know what I mean. If you know anything about me, you know how much I love Big Technology and AI. Like when someone thinks, “Hey, what does Abby Thomas love?” everyone’s mind immediately goes to “Artificial intelligence! Fake robot that can control your mind! Computers and the negative influence of Big Tech on emotional availability!” It’s classic me.
As I said before, I know this will add four more years to my undergrad, but I believe this is still the best option for me. I get to stay at Snevets longer, and I get to do what I truly love. I will be graduating in 2030. I’ll only be slightly older than my peers, but I don’t think anyone will truly notice. I will be a 25-year-old senior. I don’t think that is too far off, right? I mean, some people stay in undergrad way too long anyway, and try to live out those college days just a little longer — you know who you are!
I’m excited for this next chapter! It is my ultimate dream to sit in front of my computer for 15 hours, soaking in the blue light and melting my mind with a little robot designed to steal every job and opportunity away from real humans until our entire world is controlled by metal monsters that we bred and trained. I hope one day we can see artificial intelligence blended into every aspect of our lives. Eventually, I hope to see AI replace everyone in every job and make all of us unemployed.
And before I finish this article, I desperately need to share that this is all satire. I will not be staying at Snevets after May 20th, 2026. I will be graduating with my degree in Quantitative Social Science and, hopefully, will contribute to the mental health space. I do not love Big Tech, and I will forever try to dismantle the reliance young people have on it in every aspect, especially emotional availability. Long Live Human Interaction! Down with AI!!!! Happy April Fools.
