Cheese, one of the best dairy products there is, with a multitude of flavors and textures, is truly a sublime experience to taste them all. There are so many cheese connoisseurs worldwide, but this is a unique Stupe cheese tier list, ranking 13 different types of cheeses, some of them basic, but some of them a bit fancier.
Starting in the first tier, aptly named “Best of the Best,” showcases the two best cheeses on this list. The first in this category (they are not ordered within the tiers) is the timeless Kraft Single. Common, but still nostalgic, and a signature in grilled cheeses nationwide (unsure how common this cheese is outside of the U.S.). The second in this category is queso fresco, a much less-known cheese, but a staple of my home growing up. It is soft, crumbly, melts in your mouth, and is great to just take a chunk out of and bite into.
The second tier (and the largest tier), cheeses that are still good but fail to meet the highest criteria, starts with another classic, cheddar cheese. Common on many charcuterie boards, cheddar belongs anywhere, fancy or mundane, and is another classic. You can do almost anything with cheddar. The second in this category is Parmesan cheese, a typical sidekick to most pastas, and it is sharp and flavorful. The third in this tier is one that goes amazingly with bagels: cream cheese. Creamy and smooth, it perfectly complements the toastiness and warmth of any bagel, and is always comforting early in the morning. The fourth cheese, blue cheese, is not a favorite of many people with its pungent smell (because of the edible molds it’s flavored with), but it is still a delectable treat that goes with many crackers. The fifth and final cheese in this lineup is goat cheese. It is not a very extensively enjoyed cheese, but a hidden treat for those who go out of their way in the grocery store to get it.
The third cheese tier is for cheeses that are just fine, but not something I would go out of my way for. The first of these is Swiss cheese, which is the cheese that always showed up in those cartoons, with its classic holes. It’s a decent cheese, even if it’s not for everyone, with a not-too-distinct flavor that can sometimes be confused with other cheeses if you’re not too familiar with the flavors. The second cheese in this tier is a fiery classic, Pepper Jack. The peppers in it give it a shock of spicy flavor, really well-known, but also not for everyone. The final cheese in this group is the brie cheese, with its distinct look of red wax around it. As it ages, its flavor profile almost completely changes, from mild and sweet to sharp and full.
The second-to-last tier, the “Meh” tier, shows cheeses that fall below the other cheeses, for one reason or another. The first one in this tier is the lesser-known version of mozzarella, and depending on how it’s made, it can be bland, or almost bitter, and sometimes wet (for who knows what reason). The second one in this category is Easy Cheese, a saltier version of American cheese, all in one convenient spray of some sort (if it can be called that). One of its positives is that it looks fun to spray, though.
The final tier only holds one cheese, possibly the worst cheese of all time, and a huge hot take. This cheese is string cheese, somehow a worse and saltier version of the classic wet mozzarella, but a childhood classic for many, which can be appreciated.
Disclaimer: This article is part of The Stupe and is satire
