In a shocking announcement, Snevets has decided to replace certain professors with artificial intelligence. According to President Narfarvar, this change is being implemented “to help reduce unnecessary spending and to open up new opportunities for students. Snevets will be partnering with OpenAI to provide all students with ChatGPT Plus (for a small fee, of course). OpenAI will also be implementing a brand ambassador program, similar to Fizz, for students to participate in and promote the ChatGPT Pro plan. As for which professors are being replaced, that will be solely based on their midterm evaluations and Rate My Professor ratings. If anyone on campus has any further questions, please direct them to ChatGPT.”
Members of the campus community have had mixed feelings about the news. One professor said, “I think that this is a good thing. As an innovative university, we should be embracing new technologies to make students more career-ready. Also, there’s way too much research happening on campus that’s not important. Who cares about the environment or helping the healthcare sector? AI should be our main focus.” This professor later found out they were being replaced due to their low ratings and had other comments to share that The St*pe cannot publish.
A Visual Arts and Technology student complained, “I have to figure out what I’m going to do. I was supposed to do paid research with my professor, but they got replaced, and ChatGPT doesn’t think my work is good enough. An OpenAI representative told me I can sell some of their merchandise on campus and earn $3 an hour. I’m pretty sure that doesn’t meet minimum wage standards, but I guess I’ll take it.”
Members of the Honesty Board lamented, “What about the anti-AI policies so many classes have? Using AI counts as academic dishonesty, but now it’s teaching the class! What’s going to happen to all of those cases?”
Still, there has been some positive feedback. One Computer Science student exclaimed, “I’m so excited for this! I’m not going to lie, I barely listen to my current professors, so I lowkey don’t know what a linked list is or how to code at all. I’m hyped to use Codex. I’ve already been using AI in my classes and crying when the professor and TAs confront me, so I’m glad I can converse with it more freely without worrying.”
Local finance bros also favored the initiative, mentioning that they already skip class to prepare for nonexistent interviews and buy suits to wear to the classes that they do attend. One shared, “By replacing the professor with ChatGPT, I can ask it to summarize the lectures it gave instead of having to sit through class. I’m going to use that free time to get my blazers tailored and take more headshots for my LinkedIn.”
Some members of the campus community feel apathetic towards the news. A few HASS majors explained that “AI cannot capture the human aspect of our writing, and therefore it cannot teach us properly. A lot of us won’t be using the Plus plan.” When asked if they use Grammarly, a writing tool that is powered by AI, one student from this group retorted, “That doesn’t count!”
Other students and faculty focused on the school’s finances pointed out, “Snevets just seems to be funneling a lot of money into OpenAI instead of tackling the main issues on campus like high tuition rates, Tillie’s designer wardrobe, the lack of upperclassmen on-campus housing, and rising bookstore prices.”
Despite the mixed reactions, it is clear that Snevets aims to position itself as a leader in emerging technology. Although the replaced professors will be dearly missed, this is an exciting time for Snevets and provides students with the tools they need to succeed (or destroy higher education and the environment).
