Snevets, ranked as the number one university worldwide in innovation by The St*pe, is once again at the frontier of advancement. The school filled large departmental vacancies last year with therapy dogs. Pleasantly surprised by the results, a testing phase is currently underway to slot in more therapy dogs in place of faculty and staff.
Sources say that this unique idea was first concocted after executives walked into Crabbabbio Atrium and happened to see numerous therapy dogs. It was not long after this that those puppies were instated for a highly varying slate of positions, ranging from the C-suite to campus facilities. Sources added that the executives may have been influenced by the free pizza and the puppies’ undeniable cuteness.
With close to a full semester having elapsed since the hiring process began, Snevets is reportedly elated with the effect on campus. Productivity across all administrative departments is up 78%. Sales at the bookstore are up 582% following the introduction of dog-related apparel and merchandise. In an anonymous survey conducted with 1000+ students, over 115% reported “overwhelming satisfaction” regarding their student experience this semester, including classes, extracurriculars, and campus life.
As such, the administration is looking to further increase the dog-to-human ratio on campus. One path being trialed is the addition of puppies as teaching professors. For the remainder of the semester, comfort dogs will be taking over sections of Multivariable Calculus, General Chemistry II, and Data Structures. This decision was made based on a study conducted showing that the training therapy dogs receive may correlate directly to the skills required to teach high-level college courses.
The study sought to compare student outcomes in classes taught by highly-qualified instructors with decades of teaching experience versus those taught by certified therapy dogs. Researchers spent years developing a proprietary metric aptly named GRI (Golden Retriever Index) that factors in homework and exam scores, student serotonin levels, and tail-wag frequency. At the end of the semester-long study, classes taught by therapy dogs had a 72% higher average GRI than those taught by qualified professors. The authors are still working to understand how these results are possible, currently attributing it to revolutionary “nonverbal techniques” and the lack of traditional content delivery in favor of “good vibes.”
With nothing but positive results, it has led to believe that Snevets will continue to expand this therapy dog program. There are hopes to get teaching dogs into more advanced classes, such as Quantum Mechanics and Molecular Genetics.
The administration is also acting on another study suggesting that replacing campus police with comfort dogs may improve the overall well-being of students. As such, security will slowly be phased out in favor of therapy dogs that will roam campus 24/7, 365 days a week. Sources commented that there are internal hopes to have 75% of the Snevets payroll as comfort dogs by 2029.
Tillie has also been promoted to a new permanent position, CPO (Chief Puppy Officer). She was happy to respond when asked for comment on what she hopes to accomplish in this role. “Woof woof woof? Woof woof. Woof woof woof woof!”
Disclaimer: This article is part of The Stupe and is satire
