Snevets mascot, Atilla the Duck, appears to be named in the recently released Epstein files, according to documents reviewed by The St*te last Tuesday.
The reference, buried deep within the released records, contains an entry that sources familiar with the documents described as clearly resembling the Snevets mascot. The nature of the connection remains unclear, and no photographs, financial records, or travel logs linked to Atilla have surfaced in the files — a fact that investigators note is either reassuring or simply indicative of how carefully the matter was handled.
Legal analysts contacted by The St*te described the situation as “unprecedented,” though several acknowledged they had not previously been retained to assess the criminal exposure of a duck, and at least one admitted they weren’t sure ducks could hold a passport. One attorney, speaking on condition of anonymity, said only: “I went to law school for this?” The documents do not establish any explicit relationship between Atilla and the individuals named elsewhere in the files. Experts say this is technically the best possible outcome and that they would like to stop being called about it.
Snevets’ administration has not issued a public statement in response to the discovery. Sources indicate the past week has been, in their words, “genuinely horrible.” The university has reportedly convened the Ad-hoc Subcommittee Scrutinizing Highly Odd Legal Exposures— or ASSHOLE —to assess the implications of a sitting mascot appearing in federal documents. The subcommittee’s first scheduled meeting was delayed when members spent 40 minutes debating whether its own name constituted a Title IX violation, before concluding that it probably did but that no one wanted to be the one to bring it up. A second meeting was then delayed because three of the five members were also on the Anti-Serotonin Squadron (ASS) committee (see “Stevens Bans Fun”), resulting in a scheduling conflict. A third meeting has been tentatively set for late April, pending the procurement of a quorum, a room booking that doesn’t overlap with the Furry Club, and emotional support resources for all parties involved.
Atilla has not appeared at any recent sporting events or prospective student tours since the story broke, leaving a noticeable gap in the Snevets game-day experience. Tour guides have continued to reference him by name, though the context has become somewhat more complicated. His absence has extended to Snevets’ online presence as well — across every official Snevets Instagram account, Atilla has not been seen in a single post since the story emerged. For a mascot whose entire job is to be visible, cheerful, and publicly associated with the university, the silence is striking. The situation marks the most significant disappearance in Snevets mascot history, which admittedly is a category with little prior competition, since the previous record was set in 2014, when Atilla was briefly reported missing during move-in weekend before being found inside a freshman’s mini fridge. No explanation was ever provided by either party.
Adding to the mounting concern, Pierce Dining Hall introduced a new menu item this week: duck confit. The dish, which was not on any prior Pierce menu and does not appear in the dining services’ publicly available ingredient-sourcing documentation, has been served on three separate occasions since the story broke. When approached for comment, a Pierce staff member stated, “You’re holding up the line, do you want it or not?” and declined to specify the supplier. Dining services also did not respond to a request for clarification on sourcing. The university has not addressed the timing. The St*te is not making any allegations. We are simply noting the facts as they exist.
The Student Government Association (SGA) released a statement indicating that it is “monitoring the situation closely and will provide updates as more information becomes available.” The statement was 47 words long. No further details were offered. SGA then immediately returned to investigating how to waste the students’ money most efficiently.
The St*te will continue to follow this story as it develops. Atilla could not be reached for comment. His agent did not respond. His PR firm appears not to exist. Pierce Dining Services asked us to leave after our journalist noticed a rat, and reminded us that the duck confit is available while supplies last.
Disclaimer: This article is part of The Stupe and is satire
