Growing up in a South Asian household, there were no shortages of gatherings, functions, and celebrations. I quite enjoyed these events where people came together and enjoyed amazing food. However, something that never failed to puzzle me even as a child was how—regardless of the setting or grouping of people—it almost always consisted of women in the kitchen, prepping the food, setting up the table, ensuring that the children ate, and that everyone’s needs were taken care of. In comparison, the men would be lounging — I never understood why this dynamic was always the case. Even during a vacation or a good occasion, all the “work” associated with it would almost always fall to women. While things definitely do need to be done, in these kinds of contexts why does the duty always fall to women?
In order to dive deeper into this, I want to introduce the notion of emotional labor. Emotional labor refers to mental activity required to perform routine tasks necessary for maintaining and upholding relationships. Based on this description, you might be wondering how it ties into the situation I described earlier, so let me walk you through it. In my example, women aren’t just cooking and plating the meals; they had to consider what to make, if anyone has any dietary restrictions, how many people are attending, if they have to prepare food separately for the children, how long it will take, and the list goes on. More specifically, they had to ensure that everyone is taken care of — the most taxing endeavor. This however, doesn’t just stop in social settings, it lingers into day-to-day tasks and relationships. Women are often expected to be “emotional managers” for everyone around them and this involves checking in, comforting, and absorbing conflicts. Overall, it is a lot of “labor” and it is certainly unpaid. Other examples of this effort include remembering people’s birthdays, mitigating conflicts, or calming others down.
While these acts are thoughtful, women aren’t given a choice. More often than not, they are subjected to this mental load. Of course this is not the situation in every case and men too partake in this behavior, but women are just socially conditioned to manage everyone’s wellbeing and maintain peace. This in return has heavy implications for women. For example, it might convince women they need to equate their self worth with the care they provide for others. In optimal amounts, it does feel good to support others, however, it can be draining to do it all the time and especially daunting if someone doesn’t treat your care respectfully. Additionally, all that labor—even if it is mental—can lead to burnout and resentment. This makes it harder for women to genuinely put their energy into relationships and things they care about.
So the problem is clear but how do we define a path forward? My take is that it doesn’t hurt to be a good and caring person, but not without having boundaries in return. Try to unlearn the urge to always “fix” or “take care of” whatever situation. This may lead to discomfort, but it’s okay to sit in it. Not only does this allow you to establish and assert yourself, but it also allows the other person to understand how to manage things on their own. After all, care isn’t just about being the one who understands, it also means letting people meet you halfway.
