In all honesty, I have restarted this article five times in the last few hours. I have changed topics and promised Itai, the Opinion Editor, I am “cooking” — I was not. I wanted to write something fun, informative, and fresh regarding The Stute, but I cannot seem to think of anything. ChatGPT even suggested I write about AI and the role it has on campus…I’ll pass. Instead, I thought I might take a more personal approach this week.
I wrote this line a few months back: “Some weeks are so easy, so fun, so lighthearted. Other weeks, they ground you, make you think twice about every decision you have made.”
I think about this line at least once a week. Something about that line resonates so deeply within me, and I believe it speaks volumes about the role that I am in.
Anytime I have to make a major decision, I take time to form my own thoughts and opinions about it. Then I talk to someone from the E-board, normally Tianna, to give me a broader perspective on the subject. This process allows me to make a well-rounded decision and keep my team aware of what choices are made behind the scenes. Recently, these conversations have been happening more frequently. Bringing my thoughts together, let alone finding the time to do so, has progressively become more challenging.
I keep thinking that every final decision I make could be the wrong one. It could lead to more hate emails or comments on Instagram, and overall hurt me or The Stute. I keep thinking, “What if?”. I HATE that question. It makes me uncomfortable that I doubt myself. Is the Editor-in-Chief supposed to doubt herself? Is that reassuring? Have the past Editor-in-Chiefs doubted themselves?
The answer, I’ve learned, is yes. Stepping out of the haze that was last week, I can tell you this with full confidence: everyone doubts themselves. I have been stressed. There have been a lot more decisions because we have a lot more engagement now than in previous years. On top of everything, I am balancing school, research, my job, family, and friends — time feels stretched thin. I am human too, and sometimes the decisions I make seem like the end of my Stute world. Every choice I make is important because I am aware of who it may affect, whether that be my fellow Stuters or the readers or both.
I am lucky to have a great team to rely on but, at the end of the day, I am the only person who can take myself out of that mental hole. And I am still finding my way out of it.
If I am ever “too comfortable” in my position, it would mean my time at The Stute would be over. I do not want that yet. So, I welcome the discomfort, the tough choices, and the second guessing. Even though last week took its toll, it gives me hope for this week. After all, the only way is up, right?
