When people talk about asking for help, the advice often feels predictable: be polite, be clear about what you need, and be grateful for whatever assistance you receive. Not to mention, Stevens’ resources are readily available for those who need help; the freshmen orientation even highlights them: CAPS, free teletherapy, and a 24-hour quiet center as mental health resources. The Academic Support Center, the Writing and Communications Center, study tools, office hours, and peer help provided by professors are available for academic needs. With all this available help, why do students still struggle with finding help? I think the question we should be asking shouldn’t just be “How do I ask for help?” Instead, we should be asking something more fundamental: “Why do so many of us resist reaching out for help?”
After talking with students facing challenges, such as academic struggles, adjusting to independence, social tension, and family pressure, I’ve noticed a clear divide. Many of these students tend to fall into one of two groups: those who operate from a place of ego and those who operate from what I’ll call anti-ego.
After talking to the particular students with higher egos, I would characterize them as knowing they could use help, yet would insist on handling the issues alone. To reach out for help, seemed like an admission of weakness or incompetence. At its core, the ego can serve as a defense mechanism of one’s self-image of being strong and capable. But, in protecting that image , I believe this prevents growth, as there’s a lot to learn from other people, even if you truly believe that you have it all figured out.
The other side of it—I’ll call the anti-ego—is when students can understand that they need help, but they fear the idea of possibly burdening others or wasting someone’s time. This person may not want to reach out for help because they feel like they’re going to waste someone’s time, or perhaps they’re scared of being ridiculed for being dumb and not being able to figure something out by themselves.
If you truly feel like you are struggling deeply, I think it is always good to step back and reflect not even on what is going wrong in life, but on how you are treating yourself. Are you telling yourself that you are stupid, or do you tell yourself you’re not cut out for things? Or is it that people’s help is a waste and that you can only trust yourself. Or that maybe, you have to know things and do them well because that’s what is expected of you — you’re supposed to have everything figured out.
At its core, being receptive to help requires humility, not the false humility of anti-ego, but the humility of balance. The truth is somewhere in between: we all benefit when we allow others into our process, and to just give their feedback and new perspectives. You don’t burden anyone by asking for help, and you do yourself a favor even if you think you don’t need it, or come up with reasons why you don’t want to receive it. I think that by embracing humility, a lot of the available resources become easier to access, to the point where you don’t need to ask, “How do I ask for help?” It will slowly start feeling more natural.
