The capstone project of a Quantitative Social Science major is a senior thesis that expands the knowledge of societal trends. As a rising senior, I recently submitted my thesis proposal, and I knew it had to be GOOD in order to beat the HASS hate from the rest of Snevets students.
One morning, I was taking a brisk walk down Fraternity Row, and a lightbulb just went off! I immediately sprinted to Dean Ken Neilson’s office and busted into a meeting of him and all Greek Organization presidents. It appeared that they were arguing over the possession of the recently vacated 805 CPH property, but I knew I could solve this argument immediately.
“I NEED IT FOR MY SENIOR THESIS!” I screamed.
Dean Ken Neilson said, “Okay, sounds good. Now I don’t have to deal with this. Here are the keys.”
With this new property, I decided that I had to cultivate the social experiment of a lifetime. My thesis: What happens when you put Snevets’ most insufferable, annoying, and overachieving students in one house? Thus, the new Leadership LLC was born and will reside at 805 next fall.
I will be handpicking each resident based on criteria of excessive student involvement, but I will also be doing my best to make sure everyone is incompatible with each other. For example: I might put an overachieving Pinnacle Scholar in a room with a student who has been salty that they aren’t a Pinnacle Scholar for the past three years. Additionally, only those who have joined the Snevets Strava running group will be eligible because no one is more insufferable than people who wake up early to run.
Throughout the year, I will be tracking this group’s ability to get along as I sneakily introduce conflict. One “mole” will be residing in the house, my Science Technology and Society colleague, who is versed in analyzing the human and non-human reactions of STEM majors. My assistant will introduce conflict, specifically by telling members of the SGA that Gear and Triangle is shit talking them and planning a government coup. We are also thinking about pitting the Entertainment Committee and the Pinnacle Scholar planning committee against each other for some extra flavor.
You might be asking how this experiment passed the Institutional Review Board (IRB). Well, fortunately, President Trump signed an executive order banning all IRBs, so I didn’t have to deal with that.
Disclaimer: This article is part of The Stupe and is satire.
