Snevets students have dutifully submitted resumes into the abyss of the career portal, with often little to no success. Some receive offers from prestigious corporations, taking on positions like “Local Bar Regular” and “Unpaid Family Intern,” but not many. However, this year’s Career Outcomes Report revealed something shocking: Snevets Career Center has gotten students jobs.
No, seriously. Actual paying jobs.
An alarming 62% increase in graduates has taken down LinkedIn’s “Looking for Opportunities” tag. Instead, many have found gainful employment, though a closer look at the data reveals some unexpected trends. What is the most popular career choice for male graduates? OF modeling — and no, that doesn’t stand for Operations Facilitator, despite what some tell their parents. One confused engineering graduate said, “I originally thought I was optimizing fluid dynamics, but it turns out the only thing I’m optimizing is subscription tiers.”
Meanwhile, the number of students living at home has reached an all-time high. With entry-level salaries barely covering a month’s rent in the city, many have turned their childhood bedrooms into state-of-the-art remote workspaces (a.k.a. the same place they played Minecraft in middle school). One proud graduate shared, “I have a hybrid work schedule. Half the time I’m in meetings […] The other half my mom is yelling at me to take out the trash.”
The administration is calling this a massive success for Snevets itself. “Our job placement rates have never been higher!” the administrator says, conveniently ignoring the number of graduates whose primary income now depends on foot pictures.
At this rate, Snevets’ next significant career initiative is launching a masterclass in personal brand monetization. Tuition for that? Only $80,000 a year.
Disclaimer: This article is part of The Stupe and is satire
