In a victory almost nobody asked for, excepting the ever-outspoken student athlete population, cutting-edge nanoscale condoms have been distributed to vending machines across campus. Given the limited supply of these small sentries, a campus-wide poll was put out to ascertain the relative need of each dorm. As an incentive to fill out the poll, one lucky winner was selected to spend 23 minutes in hell with a Snevets Dining worker of their choosing. The results of the poll were absolutely shocking. The condoms were distributed as follows: 99% to River Terrace Sweets, with the remaining 1% going to the nearest vending machine to the Office of the President.
The Stupe was able to meet with a member of the swim team, James Johnson, to gauge his reaction to this unprecedented show of support from Snevets. “It’s not about size. It’s about performance, streamlining, hydrodynamics, aerodynamics. Honestly, anything that ends with -dynamics.” Johnson loved the design so much that he actually wears it during his races, claiming, “they really just make you want to dive in there, ya know? Really give it my all when stroking.”
The condoms are made from carbon nanotubes and self-fabricated via magnetic fields, since there are no end effectors, let alone hands, capable of putting these things together. The carbon nanotubes are hydrophilic, which is a boon for both lubrication and feedback. At the nanoscale, the forces we are used to experiencing are dominated by microforces such as the van der Waals force, surface tension (just about the only tension that will be between any pair using these), and dipole interactions. These condoms greatly increase molecular interaction, increasing the chances of somebody actually feeling something during intercourse exponentially.
Not all feedback has been positive. One soccer player reported “nano chafing” after attempting to use two at the same time for a snugger fit. Reportedly, several of the condoms became detached during a high-tension lacrosse scrimmage. Several members were alright with this though, stating, “We’re not really big… on commitment anyway.” Only time will tell what prevailing opinion will be, but one thing is certain: the Snevets (legacy) pool is getting some upgrades.
Disclaimer: This article is part of The Stupe and is satire.
