In a recent report, approximately 1% of Snevets students are failing. However, the Snevets administration has deemed this unacceptable and an affront to everything the university stands for. To decrease this terrible statistic, Snevets has announced that
the library is open 24/7 for students.
In order to make the most of these changes, students are expected to spend at least one hour per day in the library. However, Snevets recognizes the challenges that commuters may face because of the additional hour. They have mercifully allowed the commuters to sleep over at the library and surround themselves with the wisdom of books.
One student, who hasn’t left the library in two weeks, noted how enjoyable it was to not have a life. “I don’t need to worry about friends or family or any other pointless things. I can focus on my one true love: chemistry.” They have been sustaining themselves on America’s Cup and hoarding the remains of their sanity. Because of their fuel for knowledge, they claimed that they haven’t slept for a week. Said student was proudly shown as an exemplar for Snevets students in various social media platforms.
Unfortunately, to accommodate for these hours, Snevets has decided to break labor laws and mandate overtime for the library staff. Every staff member is now expected (and required) to work 24/7 shifts without break. Since the new rules were enacted, our librarians are looking more and more like zombies. While it appears to be an interesting story, The Stupe won’t cover this because no one cares about unimportant topics like fair labor laws.
Disclaimer: This article is part of The Stupe and is satire.
