An event more devastating than a snack swipe’s worth being diminished from two cookies to one has been distressing students across campus. ChatGPT is gone. The disappearance of Snevets’ favorite generative AI chatbot has caused a sudden drop in student GPAs. Reporters from The Stupe, the most esteemed publication on campus, interviewed students to share their perspectives on this horrific news.
One student shared, “Normally, I ask ChatGPT how to feel about things so I honestly have no comments to give.”
A Computer Science student confessed, “I don’t actually know how to code. What even is ‘Hello World’? I guess it’s time to switch majors.”
Another student and self-proclaimed ChatGPT fan despaired, “I had a premium subscription! My credit card was still charged even after ChatGPT’s disappearance so where is that money going?”
One finance bro noted, “Yeah I used ChatGPT for everything so I don’t know what I’ll do now. I’ve used it for stock pitches, presentations, maximizing shareholder value … this really sucks.”
Still, some students are choosing to adapt to ChatGPT’s disappearance. One group explained, “Yeah we’ve been using old fashioned methods like asking Akinator to read our minds, sliding into people’s DMs, and trying to bypass the blur on Course Hero.” Their levels of success are questionable.
Even some professors lamented the loss of ChatGPT, “Yeah I’ve used it to respond to student emails. Who has time to read all of that anyways? It’s never anything important.”
In an official statement, Snevets announced a new initiative to increase GPAs. The statement reads, “To restore student GPAs and preserve Snevets’ pristine reputation, the Honesty Board will be disbanded. Furthermore, using the money meant for graduation regalia for seniors (who now have to pay out of pocket), Snevets will be providing free Chegg subscriptions to the 100 students with the lowest GPAs.”
Snevets has also mandated all faculty and staff who worked on the hit mathematics platform Gradarius to use their talents towards creating the Snevets version of ChatGPT, which will somehow end up being duck-themed and cost a fee to use that is not already included in tuition.
Despite concerns from students, professors, and employers in the area, Snevets is confident in its plan to recover student GPAs. “Remember, we are doing this for the Student Outcomes Report.”
Disclaimer: This article is part of The Stupe and is satire.
