In a move that has stunned students, faculty, and the local community, Snevets Institute of Technology has announced the long-awaited return of its football program after 100 years. The new team is set to take the field in Fall 2025.
“We are thrilled to bring football back to Snevets,” said Athletic Director Roger Russells in a press conference held in Pierce Dining Hall at 4:20 p.m.. “After years of dominating Middle Atlantic Conference sports in volleyball, quidditch, and esports, we figured, why not football?”
While Snevets’ previous football team disbanded after the 1924-1925 season, officials believe that with some minor adjustments, the DeBaun Field can be transformed into a full-fledged football stadium. “We’ve crunched the numbers,” said President Narfarvar. “If we extend the field by approximately 50 yards and knock down MPK and the River Dorms, it should work.”
With no existing players, the athletics department is moving fast to assemble a team. Open tryouts will be held next week, and no prior experience is highly recommended. In fact, preference will be given to mechanical engineers who can design their own helmets, computer science students who can program AI-powered playbooks, and biomedical engineering majors willing to test experimental concussion-proof headgear.
The coaching staff is still in the hiring process, though rumors suggest that a group of overenthusiastic alumni from the Class of 1973 has volunteered to co-coach via Zoom.
Perhaps most exciting of all, Snevets has officially challenged MIT to an inaugural game, hoping to rekindle an old rivalry from the 1800s. However, MIT has yet to respond.
As anticipation builds, one question remains: Will Snevets football actually happen, or is it just another ambitious engineering project that runs out of funding halfway through? Either way, the Ducks will be Waiting all day for Sunday Night.
Disclaimer: This article is part of The Stupe and is satire
