Is finding a relationship on campus hard? Do you skip showers frequently? Are you afraid to speak to people of the opposite sex, same sex, or anyone at all? If you said yes to all three of these questions, then dating apps are probably the place for you. Luckily, desperate Snevets students like yourself are on the apps, waiting to virtually mingle and have the same conversation over and over and over again! In this article, we are going to tell you everything you need to know about the dating apps that your peers are using and how you can leverage this knowledge to find your Snevets person.
Let’s kick things off by discussing the most profound “dating” app of them all, Tinder! This app is like a get-out-of-jail-free card but you get put back in jail 10 seconds (on a good day) after redeeming it. In simpler terms, don’t expect anything serious here. As far as profiles go, also don’t expect a biography. Snevets students tend to reveal as little about themselves as possible on Tinder, in hopes that their peers won’t recognize them. Our analysts trained a large language model to generate a common Tinder conversation between Snevets students:
“Which dorm were you in freshman year?”
… “Oh um uh the northernmost one”
“What are you studying at Stevens?”
… “Matlab, I think”
“Have you taken ME483 yet? I need help with this Block Diagram”
… “Sorry, I don’t think this is going to work out”
Also, expect to find your lab partner on this app, and that you will be really uncomfortable around them afterwards. Our analysts suggest using photos of yourself at the Samuel See. Williams library on your profile. This is a terrible conversation starter, which is great for this app!
Moving on, let’s discuss Hinge, a crowd favorite among college students nationally. While Hinge places great emphasis on user personality with its extensive prompts and unique interface, Stevens students are capable of depriving even the most functional institutions of happiness. Our analysts at the Stupe performed a rigorous analysis of 1000 Hinge profiles belonging to Stevens students set within a one mile radius of campus. Of this population, an alarming 92% reported ‘yes’ to smoking cigarettes, and a shocking 76% stated ‘Attila’ under the “My simple pleasures” prompt. Our analysts recommend that Snevets students looking for success on Hinge must be able to provide a referral to a company belonging to the S&P 500, and also use the prompt “My greatest strength is a strong immune system.”
Finally, if you are planning on using Bumble as a Snevets student, all we have to say to you is good luck. Multiple Snevets students have reported sightings of alternate life forms making appearances on their Bumble feed, and occasionally Grubhub delivery drivers. In fact, after asking one of our writers to test drive the Bumble experience, they matched with a cockroach from the How Building. We heard that their date was sufficient. Remember Ducks, Bumble is a desolate place and best reserved for users above the age of 26. Consequently, we wish all of our doctoral candidate readers happy hunting!
Disclaimer: This article is part of The Stupe and is satire.
