In a stunning move by the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), as of April 1, 2025, America will be subject to a non-mask mandate: No one in the country can wear a mask! Neurotypicals don’t know what’s happening, but neurodivergent individuals are seemingly collapsing en masse. Read more below to unmask the drama of the unmasking mandate!
As often mentioned in this column, masking is a behavioral coping mechanism in which individuals hide their thoughts, urges, and personalities to better conform to social norms. Essentially, masking is putting on a mask to fit in with those around them. As previously discussed in this column, individuals with autism often mask for almost the entirety of their time interacting in social settings, whether suppressing the urge to rant about their hyper-interest or sitting on their hands to stop a physical stim.
The CDC’s announcement explained that multiple studies find that individuals with autism are constantly reporting heavy tolls on their mental health. To help reduce the stress and burnout of those who mask, the CDC decided to ban all masking!
Preliminary studies have already shown significant changes with focus groups on unmasking. For example, one group of an equal mix of neurodivergent and neurotypical individuals reported that the neurotypical individuals noticed little to no change except that many things were breaking, and no one knew how to fix them. In contrast, neurodivergent individuals seem to be missing, last seen hiding under their beds and avoiding all social contact with anyone. One brave individual sent a chicken-scratch note on an empty instant ramen cup, explaining that they tried to go to the store without masking and couldn’t even reach the front door of Acme.
However, another focus group consisting of all neurodivergent individuals trying out the mandate employed a very effective strategy. They moved to the middle of the woods in updated New York, created their town, and now live in silence as they are all too afraid to speak without masking. Surprisingly, in the three weeks since they started, the self-proclaimed “‘Tism-Town” has already built a town hall, library, university, and hospital that cured cancer within three days, plus a spaceport that somehow created faster-than-light travel. However, without all the neurotypical individuals, the area seemed to have reverted back to 17th-century technology, seemingly surprised that all of the engineers, scientists, and technology-specialists have moved to ‘Tism-Town.
With the upcoming mandate, the CDC hopes the general population will be more like Tism-Town rather than hiding under beds or in 17th-century technology test groups. With the increasing rates of stress, we can only hope that banning masking relieves stress before the world falls apart from all the missing neurodivergent individuals. In the worst case, the neurodivergent population can take Tism-Town’s faster-than-light rocket to another galaxy and live a life of peace there.
Disclaimer: This article is part of The Stupe and is satire
