Snevets Counseling and Psychological Services has started exploring new techniques for counseling programs. CAPS has recently announced the introduction of “gaslighting therapy” into their program, releasing a statement on their website: “Sometimes a student in distress just needs to be told ‘No, I don’t think so.’” The gaslighting program teaches students daily affirmations so they can develop a more positive outlook on campus.
Available time slots to meet with a counselor on campus have been booked fully since this announcement, and students are starting to turn on each other in an attempt to meet with one of our new gaslighting experts. It is too early to determine the success of this new program; However, students on campus have developed record-breaking delusions about almost everything.
Some of the popular topics discussed with these counselors have successfully changed students’ outlooks on themselves and campus. Positive opinions on campus food have increased exponentially, situationships have been going strong, and failing students, still failing, believe they are on the dean’s list. Countless couples have saved their relationships the past few days and give full credit to Snevets’s very own gaslight therapy.
Campus police express concern in the aftermath of some students’ CAPS experiences. Going for a leisurely walk around campus will usually result in a few bystanders hearing a “No sir, this is certainly not a beer” in passing. There has been a recent report of a squad of students tiptoeing across campus with burlap sacks in black and white striped shirts, whispering, “Nothing to see here. One bank, please,” as they book a stuber.
Despite the concerns, the new overflow of positive outlook on campus has been perceived as helpful to the campus community, and has started impacting professors. Students entering class late simply explain, “I am just as on time as everyone else.” Professors, while a little confused at first, have started to enjoy the new confidence displayed in some of their previously inactive students. The gaslighting program has allowed students to use positive affirmations to pass exams and gain perfect attendance.
Snevets’ Counseling and Psychological Services is an incredibly helpful and accessible program available for all Stevens students. There’s only one way to find out if gaslighting therapy is right for you — CAPS appointments can be scheduled on its website.
Disclaimer: This article is part of The Stupe and is satire.
