For all the commuters of Hoboken, I come bearing bad news… I thought my last article was the finale in the PATH revamp saga, but I was wrong.
I recently received notice from a PATH employee that the Hoboken station is slated to close for another month. This is the latest in a series of vomit-related incidents around Hoboken, which is forcing PATH to reconsider its station configuration. In accordance with recent Hoboken data collection, vomit stations will be installed around the depot, specifically designed to negate any vomit affairs that may occur. This aforementioned ‘data’ comes from a recent study conducted at the city level, asking Hobokenites where they like to hang out. The study suggests that the Hoboken PATH station serves as a popular hangout destination for many locals to gather and vomit together. These stations will be in operation from 10 p.m. to 3 a.m. daily, as these are the most active hours.
In addition, PATH intends to paint the station’s support columns back to blue in solidarity with the latest rat influx at Stevens. With staffing low at Stevens’ facilities, students can expect to see employees of the rat variety around campus. From the dining halls (see Ben’s article about recent improvements to the Peirce experience) to the sports complexes, rats will be in your corner to make the Stevens’ experience as enjoyable as humanly (or should I say rat-ly) possible.
Although many believe this closure is unwarranted, it is necessary. Vomit stations in the PATH will not only clean up the station but also create additional housing for Stevens’s rat employees. I will say that the blue columns may be a little much, but hey, it is what it is.
Disclaimer: This article is part of The Stupe and is satire
