Recently, there have been rumors of a large duck waddling around campus. Huge webbed footprints have been spotted on the Hudson shoreline by the Griffith Building, and three-foot-long feathers have been spotted in Palmer Fountain. As a journalist of the highest order, I took it upon myself to get to the root of the matter and assuage the anxieties of the Stevens community at large. To this end, I went straight to the Top, the Big Cheese, Il Capitano, El Numero Uno, the Head Honcho, the Don, the NariMAN, Stevens Institute of Technology’s 7th Supreme Overlord, Farvardin for an interview. The interview follows line for line, with the conclusions, chilling and shocking they may be, to be made for yourself.
Kevin– Thank you very much for having me. Hoxie House is lovely. Are these down pillows?
Farvardin– Of course not, live plucking is a serious ethical issue that Stevens stands very firmly against. Can’t you imagine how those ducks would feel? Anyway, when I heard you wished to interview me on the early success indicators of our new 10 year plan, I could not refuse.
Kevin– I lied. It’s about the bird.
Farvardin– Oh.
Kevin– Some first years have reported a shadowy, feathered figure doing the Duck Dance outside their rooms late at night. Do you have anything to say that may put the Stevens community at ease?
Farvardin– Campus Police have heard the rumors and are monitoring campus CCTV very closely. However, I am sure this duck means no harm. Besides, at least somebody on campus is doing the Duck Dance to raise spirits during midterm season.
Kevin– It seems as though you have sympathies for our mystery mallard. Did you know that Pierce Dining hall has not been able to serve French Toast for a week now since all of the bread loafs keep disappearing?
Farvardin– This issue had not come to my attention, ironically my cupboards have never been more well-stocked with bread ever since the last full moon.
Kevin– What an odd coincidence, then I suppose you would not be interested in this half-eaten slice found in the fountain outside?
Farvardin– (sweat in his brow) No, of course not! That would be foul.
Kevin– Did you just say “fowl”?
Farvardin– (with an increasingly pale complexion and yellowing lips) No, no, you must be mistaken. I am just not interested in the bread.
Kevin– Yes, I am sure. I also suppose it’s a coincidence that the number of fountains on campus has doubled during your tenure as President.
Farvardin– Yes, yes, it is. I also fear that we have reached the end of our allotted meeting time, and I must ask you to leave.
While I will make no further comment as to the implications of this interview I will leave you with one question: is Nariman a quack?
