Editor’s note: This is documentation purporting to contain notes from a so-called “Scrum,” that arcane and masochistic ritual particular to certain breeds of software engineer. Reader discretion is advised.
Alright guys, we only have this weekend before the end of our first Sprint.
Why do we have to meet every day for this project again?
Well, today’s our Daily Scrum. Tomorrow we need to have the Reflection meeting, and then there’s the Retrospective meeting.
EN: Here the “Scrum team,” like other cults, employs inane jargon to obscure its intents. Software engineers are particularly susceptible to this condition, called logorrhea. A Sprint appears to refer to some kind of divinely inspired initiative of the group, although further details are unknown.
What’s our progress looking like? We have to submit the Client Brief by Monday.
Well, uh…. we have our repository made.
EN: This means that they have no progress. This is dangerous, as a Scrum team behind on its work is desperate and extremely unpredictable.
What are we gonna do? We need to give the Client something but we haven’t done s—.
EN: The “Client” is the deity figure of the Scrum group, inspiring fealty but also commanding great fear, awe, and distrust. This belief system comes in many variations. This particular Scrum group observes a second deity, of which we are about to see evidence.
How could the Professor make the due date this soon? We’re totally screwed.
EN: There it is — the PROFESSOR. This figure orchestrates the actions of the Scrum group, which always obeys, albeit with profound resentment. It appears to be the malevolent counterpart of the Client.
Oh god, we’re gonna have to grind all weekend.
I was supposed to go home tomorrow!
EN: The Scrum practicer appears to be communicating with one of the deities by invoking the phrase “Oh god.” Great religious summits between the team and the Client are chronicled in THE AGILE MANIFESTO, the sacred text of these groups. Under their tenets, the vaguely-defined “Agility” is considered the highest virtue.
This is so bad. We had only two weeks to do this. How can we possibly finish in time?
This class is torture.
EN: Aha! The Scrum practitioners perceive themselves to already be in Hell.
That’s it. I’m switching to Business.
EN: They may very well be right.
Disclaimer: This article is part of The Stupe and is satire.
