Well, folks, as we are all aware, our beloved Assistant Director of Fraternity & Sorority Life, Keben Drunger, has decided to pack his bags and chase his dreams (and all the power to him). But that left us here at Snevets in quite a pickle, trying to find the perfect replacement for the position. It was tough to find a candidate who embodied the values of Snevets, as we are such a unique institution built on the principles of celibacy, natural remedies for body odor, and a profound aversion to bathing. However, after sifting through a resounding sixty-nine applications, one candidate stuck out to us like a diamond in the rough. That candidate was none other than our own, Jaret Donnaleigh. Jaret was bold and daring for submitting an application, as not only does he not have the preferred qualifications of a completed masters degree, but he is actually still enrolled as an undergraduate computer science student– no wonder he upheld our principles so well! However, his strong application ensured that his message was received. We knew he could do the job because, well, let’s face it, what choice did we have but to believe him– look at that face!
What caught our eye specifically in Jaret’s application was his two main life philosophies, which are: 1) if you’re stressed out, instead of getting a full night’s rest, you should stay up doing absolutely nothing productive until ungodly hours of the night and hibernate mid-day and 2) a PBR can solve all of the problems #1 couldn’t solve. We were so impressed by his innovative approach to stress management and self-care that we decided to give him a platform to share those wisdoms: teaching his own First-Year Experience class to bring his transformative ideas to the new first-year class! Every first-year gets a 30 rack and their first assignment is to document their experience with it, due by the second class. Aside from their rigorous curriculum, his special topics will include: how to prompt Dean Kev Nilzen to do your bidding for you, how to get into super secret societies, and his personal life (but first-years can choose to opt out of that part with a parent’s signature).
Thank you for bringing your unique talents to Snevets, Mr. Donnaleigh! Keep spreading the good word (and maybe grab a nap and a Pabst along the way).
Disclaimer: This article is part of The Stupe and is satire.
