Some of my friends will ask me fairly often: “have you solved math yet?” If they ask me again in the coming days, I can confidently answer “YES!”
After a wildly productive Spring break, I finalized my solutions to every known math problem (best Spring break ever by the way — I’d recommend doing something like that rather than going to Miami beach and, as of this year, getting arrested, or catching up on sleep because who needs that?). Moreover, I showed that, even if there’s a problem I hypothetically “missed,” someone else can use a subset of my solutions or proofs to find the answer, quite trivially.
I’m surprised that, already, the academic community has verified many of my results (this Wikipedia article, for instance, is getting shorter and shorter each day!). Professors who peer-review mathematical results are typically slowed by two things: (1) being so overworked as to put off any task that doesn’t directly result in their getting paid (the peer-reviewing process is generally pro bono); and (2) being so skeptical of someone claiming “I’ve solved all of math!” to trust anything they’ve submitted to the peer-review process.
I’m not sure why they took a chance on me and disregarded those two hindrances — maybe because academia has gotten so much criticism lately that the professors were looking for a big win? But I’ve reaped many of the benefits so far. I’ve earned $7 million from the Clay Institute alone by solving the rest of their Millennium Prize Problems — P vs NP was surprisingly (mildly) difficult, but the rest were a walk in the park. I’ll also hopefully win millions more in prize money in the coming years (I’ve heard from the Abel Prize committee and the Fields Institute that they plan to award me their biggest accolades in perpetuity).
What will I do with all this money? I should give at least some of it back to the academics who reviewed my work, but I think the smarter move is to pay influencers in order to get more publicity. Even if all the major news outlets write articles about me, I know that a TikTok video alone will have a greater effect on virality than all of those combined.
The TL;DR of this piece is: there’s a chance that if you are good at math, you can become a millionaire, but engineers can become millionaires much more easily by just being engineers, and it’s definitely more likely to receive a small loan from your dad than solve a Millennium Problem (I can say that with confidence since now I know the answer to every math question).
Disclaimer: This article is part of The Stupe and is satire.
