Snevets’ campus is littered with countless avian corpses, consisting of more than 35 different unique flattened species. Almost all students have stumbled across one of these small, ill-fated feathered pancakes, and most students have had the same initial thought.
“This is awesome!”
Snevets is on the brink of an unprecedented “kill streak” as reported by self proclaimed bird denier Odiador de Pájaros. Odiador is a Hoboken resident who leads monthly de-birding walks through Hoboken, encouraging members of the community to join him in trekking around the Square-Mile-City with large tree limbs to be swung at avians. We were only able to make contact with Odiador through a written letter, and in response to our inquiries received an envelope that appeared to have feathers emerging from the seams (the envelope was not opened as advised by Barely Managing Editor Eva Wong).
Our exploration into this one, lone, avian-hating-patriot has revealed a much larger movement involving an underground organization referred to as the Students Hating Avians Taskforce (SHAT). This is a group of both undergraduate and graduate students who have taken it upon themselves to lobby Residential Glass Services (RGS) to install mirrored windows on all campus buildings. SHATers have curried favor from select members of Snevets’ administration by pitching them the idea of cutting dining costs by replacing the Pierce Dining Hall grilled chicken with “flattened avians”.
When asked for comment, President Narfarvar stated “I encourage every student to try something at least once, and grilled flattened avians are no exception.” SHAT has also pitched the idea of using collecting flattened avians from around campus as a punishment for violating the honor code (no comment was given by the Honer Bored at this time).
Disclaimer: This article is part of The Stupe and is satire.
