Hi, I’m the freshman who is still wearing my Snevets keychain around my neck. I love wearing my dorm key like a necklace to assert dominance over those who have to walk more than five minutes to get to their classes. I’ve spent a lot of time these evenings in each of the campus dorms, and would like to give my formal rating of each. A simple scale has been determined to simply recommend or not recommend spending a night: smash or pass.
You’ll have to kick a roommate out to the common room, but they don’t call it Humps for nothing. Humps has cinder block walls, useful for sound dampening. I give it a smash. Exhibitionists may prefer Dave’s, for both the windows and the roaches. Smash. If you can afford it, River Tear-ass may be the place for you and your crew. I hear they have gold-studded contraceptives in the communal spaces. Personally, not into trust-funds or crypto: pass.
Jonass’s private showers and tubs are a very useful commodity; don’t forget your rubber, Ducks. It has one major con: the shelving on the sides obstructs significant vertical motion in the bed. Perhaps a particularly innovative student could arrange the beds to avoid the abstinence shelves, and innovation is sexy. Smash. Crusty Point Hall has windows that are easily scalable for your sneaky links. The concrete walls, best known for keeping COVID-1870 in during the quarantine years, also keep your neighbors from prying. Smash.
Despite the nitpicking, there is one superior dorm: Palmer (I hardly know her). This is the only dorm on campus with only singles, meaning you never need to worry about pesky roommates. Palmer (I hardly know her) residents will be shocked by one of their peers pulling they will defer to you, genuflecting or giving raucous applause in the hallway. The only conceivable downside is that you have to spend a night with a Palmer kid.
Disclaimer: This article is part of The Stupe and is satire.
