The experimental novel “Corduroy,” written by Don Freeman in 1968, follows the biographical tale of a lone teddy bear named Corduroy. Corduroy lives in a department store, a relatively new concept introduced to the United States in the late 1920s, a symbol of the consumer culture that would go on to dismantle traditional American values. Corduroy’s extravagant accommodations are symbolic of his gluttony; his home is lavishly decorated with every item in excess, constantly stocked to his liking. It is speculated that Corduroy made his fortune forty years before Freeman brought his story to life, working as an accomplice to Jay Gatsby. Corduroy acted as a source for Gatsby’s notorious Prohibition-era rum-running enterprise, providing alcohol from his department reserves. One of the important details that Freeman neglected to include was Corduroy’s blatant resistance to the Selective Service and Training Act of 1940, which would have required him to serve overseas in the Second World War. Although Corduroy was eligible, it was speculated that he used his corrupt political connections to remain on American soil. Once the war had ended, Corduroy began exploring other practical business ventures, namely investing an inadvisable proportion of his wealth into Goober, Smucker’s response to a sandwich problem that never existed.
At the beginning of the story, Corduroy is confronted by a mysterious girl. She states that she wants to purchase his enterprise, claiming that he’s already “losing buttons” and will need to get out of the Goober business soon. However, Corduroy is stubborn and rejects the girl’s offer. Feeling insulted by the girl’s indifference to his legacy, Corduroy is incentivized to redeem his image as a ruthless criminal kingpin. In an attempt to cut out all middlemen, Corduroy embarks on a daring heist to steal Tempur-pedic mattresses with the intent of initiating a fencing operation. Unfortunately, during a Tempur-Pedic raid, Corduroy unintentionally trips an alarm system. Police were alerted to the scene and with no means of escape, Corduroy was taken into custody. In court, the judge charges Corduroy with Second Degree Felony, Racketeering, Embezzlement, and Tax Evasion. Corduroy’s bail is set at “the amount of money in a little girl’s piggy bank.” Unable to produce the funds, Corduroy begins to lose all hope. However, in a climactic turn of events, Corduroy makes an unlikely accomplice. Lisa, the girl who intensified Corduroy’s mission to redeem his reputation, offers to cover his bail. Corduroy reluctantly accepts, understanding her alliance to be of territorial motivation. However, rather than request his business as an advance, Lisa vows to assist Corduroy in “restoring his buttons” in exchange for his partnership. Knowing a good deal, Corduroy accepts, emotionally stating in response to her proposal, “I’ve always wanted a friend.”
In summary, Don Freeman’s novel is a children’s book written by Sylvester Stalone starring Al Pacino as a Thomas Shelby Teddy Bear turned Rambo. It’s still better than The Twilight Saga.
Disclaimer: This article is part of The Stupe and is satire.
