It’s official – Dave’s Hall will not be destroyed anytime soon. This was confirmed on Monday, March 25, by “Anonymous” on Fizz. At this time, we are still awaiting a statement from President Narfarvar.
“Anonymous” has it on good authority that a member of President Narfarvar’s cabinet confirmed that Dave’s will indefinitely remain standing on campus. The source states the main reason for keeping Dave’s is that the beauty would otherwise be lost. When looking deeply into this historical site, we can determine that there is a lot to lose. Dave’s boasts a phenomenal kitchen on the first floor. When breathing in through your mouth only, the kitchen is bearable, and you can stay there for over 20 seconds without having the urge to throw up. The cabinet member also confirmed that a new communal sponge for washing dishes will be provided. This state-of-the-art kitchen and its associated smells live to haunt more generations of students.
The second floor of Dave’s also has a spacious area right next to the lobby, providing students with the perfect place to have some privacy. The large couch is a staple that gives students a place to cry, eat, sleep, and get yelled at by their parents. This lounge and its lack of doors in the most trafficked area in Dave’s add a charm that cannot be replaced. Another invaluable part of Dave’s is the concept of having no elevators. This idea was implemented as an initiative by the university to encourage students to exercise frequently. For students willing to participate in this initiative, they are placed on the fourth and fifth floors of the building. They are forced to carry heavy items by hand, incorporating the StairMaster and weight lifting at the same time. With fire drills at 4 a.m., students on the top floors will also be extremely active throughout the quiet hours.
Thanks to “Anonymous,” students are now aware that Snevets will not be losing the magnetic energy of Dave’s. The structure will be open to house eager, naive first-year students for many decades to come. As Dave’s continues to live, we can conclude that new traditions will settle into the endless rows of white walls.
Disclaimer: This article is part of The Stupe and is satire.
