Vaping is a phenomenon that has skyrocketed in popularity over the past few years. As of July 2023, a study from health journal Respiratory Care shows that over a third of college students use electronic nicotine delivery devices. This is absolutely unacceptable. Vaping has been shown to impair brain development, harm the respiratory system, and just doesn’t look that cool anymore.
In order to combat this epidemic, the St*te is spearheading a movement to put an end to vaping on the Snevets campus. To accomplish this seemingly impossible feat, we are working to redirect these delinquent vapers to an alternative habit: smoking cigarettes.
Now, I know what you’re thinking – ahh cigarettes have some of the same negative side effects as vaping and are even more addictive than vapes! Boohoo, womp womp, whatever. Smoking cigs looks way cooler! People don’t even care about cigarettes anymore! When’s the last time you saw an anti-smoking ad? The government only cares about vaping now, so let’s fight that.
So, how can we accomplish this? I propose that the university puts free cigarette dispensers in every bathroom and ensure they’re stocked, unlike the free tampons and pads in the popular bathrooms on campus (looking at you, UCC first floor restroom). Further, students should have access to these vital cigarettes at any time on campus, without needing to run to a restroom. All first-years will be required to have AT LEAST one pack of ciggies on them at all times, and they will also be required to distribute them to any senior itching for a fix on their walk to class. Offering a free lighter is a given. If you have any ideas to help us in the fight against vaping, make sure to submit them using that silly little QR code on the bottom of the front page.
Disclaimer: this article is a part of The Stupe and is satire.
