I have uncovered an alleged secret society of Snevets students that live in the academic buildings at night. Upon preliminary investigation, I found they have three distinct sectors. The first is for the people who do it out of necessity: the squatters. These people have nowhere else to go; they may have gotten kicked out of their apartment and are too scared to tell their parents, or simply just never considered where they were going to live until it was too late. It is likely that commuting is just not in the cards for them. The second sector is the anti-capitalist radicals that want to make the most out of their tuition. They believe that they rightfully own the Snevets academic buildings, therefore they have decided to make them their home. Finally, the third sector is the thrill-seekers. They love sneaking around and not getting caught. Their biggest accomplishments are those moments in which campus police unknowingly come within mere inches of their hiding spots.
You may be wondering how exactly these students are able to traverse campus so easily without raising suspicion. Some of these students operate under the guise of art and music students, who, for their practice, need to have 24-hour access to the Morton-Peirce-Kidde (MPK) building complex. They can swipe in at any hour of the night without campus police batting an eye so long as they have a sketch pad or musical instrument with them. It is rumored that around 50% of the society is humanities students, but there is no hard evidence to back up that assertion. True or not, it is widely believed that the society mainly operates inside MPK, home to Snevets’ humanities program. Ironically, campus police headquarters are in this same building. This could be due to the society’s presumed humanities-heavy membership, or the thrill-seekers’ thirst for action.
As you sleep soundly in your $8,000 premium single in the towers, these students are actively evading the authorities. As you curl up in your Hudson Dorms twin XL, the society is taking catnaps under desks with one eye open. What they do is intense and mentally draining, but worth it to them. Next time you see someone who looks exhausted but still manages to show up to the 8 a.m. 15 minutes early, maybe consider that assignments weren’t the only thing they were avoiding late last night.
Disclaimer: This article is part of The Stupe and is satire.
