They may have left us alone for a year, but the lantern flies are back — and they want revenge! These terrible, red-winged creatures swarm campus, casting a cloud of fear on any student unfortunate enough to journey through the graveyard of bug carcasses at the base of the UCC towers. These monstrous insects seem to lack any sort of higher intelligence, as they aimlessly bump into objects and latch on to unsuspecting citizens. In fact, the only reason the wretched lantern flies haven’t deposed President Nariman Farvardin as the one true leader of Stevens Institute of Technology is that they are unable to organize, which protects students from losing their beloved university president to a lantern fly uprising. When asked about the university’s plans to solve the bug crisis, Martini the Dog, Interim Vice Provost of Insect Management, had this to say: “Woof. Woof woof, woof. Grrrr.” Indeed, this moving statement aligns with the university’s ten-point plan for insect eradication, as it prioritizes student health and safety above all else. Martini the Dog will receive the Presidential Medal of Freedom from President Joseph R. Biden later this week for her contributions to world peace.
While Interim Vice Provost Martini has certainly been doing her part to rid Stevens of bug invasions, students have also formed communities that aim to assist in the process. The “Flies Are Really Very Annoying, Remove Dead Insects Now” Club, or F.A.R.V.A.R.D.I.N. as it is affectionately referred to by its members, has been working closely with the SGA to clean up dead lantern flies on campus and repair any damage they may have caused. Esteemed SGA Senator Riyana Phadke confirmed the SGA’s unwavering support for this initiative, saying, “As an SGA Senator, I can say with certainty that we are doing everything in our power to protect campus from lantern flies. In fact, we are allocating every dollar of funding we have to construct a massive statue of a can of RAID, in hopes of scaring the lantern flies away.” She then added, “That idea was all mine, and I really think it will work.” The Office of SGA President Paulina Georgoutsos has yet to comment on the validity of this statement.
With a mixture of both university-led and student-led initiatives, lantern flies are sure to be permanently eradicated from campus sometime in the very near future. Strangely, as temperatures have dropped and fall has begun, the local lantern fly population has seemingly disappeared entirely on its own. While students may rejoice their temporary freedom from the swarm of six-legged monsters, they are cautioned to stay alert, as next year they may have to once again face… the revenge of the lantern flies!
