The last time I wrote, I danced around the question of happiness. That was a discussion of fulfillment and the idea that frustrating tasks are worth it for an overarching goal. In the short term, the existential question is: if I had a day to myself, what would I do? Who are the people I want to surround myself with that will make me happy? I struggle with this question at least once a year, as I plan my birthday.
There’s so much pressure to a perfect birthday that it feels doomed to fall short. I can spend months in planning and anticipation, or approach it guardedly and still be disappointed. I’ve had large parties with everyone I know, and intimate gatherings, and I can always find a way to be let down. You’re guaranteed the question, Did you have a good birthday? It’s a function of politeness, I have to answer affirmatively. It’s a formality, because what am I supposed to do if it wasn’t good? I can’t tell people that; they were just making small talk. Birthdays are the most important yet arbitrary aspect of human life. What’s stopping me from putting this value somewhere else, unburdening myself from the responsibility of having a good time on this specific day?
Is it really any different from any other day? No one else’s life revolves around my birthday, to them it’s another Tuesday. I can’t get extensions on my assignments, delay studying for a test the next day, or not show up to work. I have to shift most celebration plans to the weekend, so then what remains on the day of? How can I make a regular day special?
It has to be in the mindset, at least in part. If I wake up sluggish and unwilling to participate in the day, I will be disappointed when nothing feels extraordinary. Last year, I didn’t sleep until 5 a.m. the night before and was dragging myself through the whole day, which in hindsight could never have made me happy. This year, even though I have a 13-hour day of commitments, I need to have a better approach. I filled my day because I like busyness, because of that long-term fulfillment. On the upside, I’ll be maximizing my opportunities to interact with people, and there’s definitely something to receiving well wishes from the people around you, regardless of how close you are to them. What else are you supposed to say to someone when they tell you it’s their birthday if not well wishes? It’s the default response, oh it’s your birthday? Happy birthday! In the past, I might have written them off as insincere, but I’m trying to take birthday blessings as they come to me.
In high school, when I was torturing my mom by playing Weezer in the car, she had something to say about “The World Has Turned and Left Me Here.” She said if a year goes by and I still have everything I had a year ago, I’m doing pretty good for myself. As any Weezer enjoyer would say, I think she misunderstood the song, but there’s still something there. One year has gone by, and at this point in my life, I have gained so much. I have a full life here, plans for the future, and a clear path to get there. I can get caught up in feeling overworked, but anyone in my position would feel grateful.
So, maybe it doesn’t have to be this day, but it does have to be a day dedicated to me. An act of self-care to remind me of the people who care, and of all the good things that have happened to me. It’s a reason to celebrate when on other days I might not be able to come up with one.
