The St*te has long been a highly esteemed student publication, tasked with the difficult yet necessary duty of recording the history of Snevets Institute of Technology. For over a century now, reporters have spent countless hours, wasting their hours in The St*te office, covering controversial stories, and disseminating campus news to the Snevets community. With a heavy heart, I report to you today that The St*te will no longer be publishing issues as a consequence of being severely broke.
Now, what was the cause of this bankruptcy? In a public statement, The St*te said, “The St*te has long operated with the aid of the Student Government Association. Even with their support, we have insufficient funds due to the inflated prices of our publisher.” While this statement is true, what The St*te has failed to mention is precisely why the organization no longer has any money. In the biggest money laundering scandal committed by students at Snevets, the previous St*te E-board decided to spend all of the organization’s budget on St*te totes. The totes themselves cost the organization thousands of dollars and left the finances of The St*te almost $9000 over budget.
While you may have seen the popular, and now infamous tote bags around campus sporting The St*te and its slogan, they were a rare commodity. Only 30 bags were discretely purchased and were secretly distributed among the organization’s E-board and minor board. While the actual costs of the bags were unknown, the E-board allegedly spent over $20,000 on the bags. Internal sources say that this purchase was a mistake and that extra zeros were accidentally added to the end of the check sent to the Etsy company that created these tote bags. This purchase values each tote bag at over $600. Whether or not there was an effort to retrieve this money is unknown, but it is clear that any attempts were unsuccessful.
From here on out, The Stupe will replace The St*te as the campus’s primary newspaper. The Stupe, hardly relying on real news, can be dished out in a few hours by previous members of the staff or even AI like ChatGPT and be added to the website digitally. The Stupe will also look into ways to make more revenue and will be relying on student donations to have enough money to keep the website operating.
Goodbye to The St*te. You will be missed </3.
Disclaimer: this article is a part of The Stupe and is satire
