The projected overall freshman GPA for the 2023-2024 school year has dropped dramatically in contrast to the current freshman class average after Snevets released its admissions decisions for the regular decision applicant pool for the incoming class. Current students believe that this is due to the introduction of a new football program at Snevets, which will kick off its first season this coming fall.
The university allocated a massive budget to the new program, which many believe to have primarily been taken from the coffers of the Pinnacle Scholars program. Many current students feel targeted, stating that they project major budget cuts for important academic programs. However, those involved with the football program believe that this is an important measure. I spoke to the appointed coach for the football team, Deep Shah.
Although Coach Shah is currently an attending student in the vulnerable computer engineering program, he still believes that the football team is an important development for the university. “My guy, I think that the football team is a very goodie idea, it will bring in a lot of revenue for the school, my guy. On top of that, my guy, the diversity of the student population will increase.”
Although Coach Shah isn’t wrong, many believe he fails to discount the major changes that will be made to campus to accommodate a football program. President Narfarvar recently announced that the Babbio School of Business, in addition to the building, will be “demolished and the lot abandoned” to make room for a brand new football stadium. Analysts at The Stupe believe that this is the true reason for the projected GPA taking a blow, as in past years the school of business has single handedly supported the overall GPA.
In contrast to the suffering imposed by the Snevets engineering curriculum, business students take classes such as “Reciting the Alphabet Backwards 116,” “Styling Patagonia Vests with Everything 215,” and “Monopoly Money 418,” all of which are curved to inflate the business GPA. To add insult to injury, Snevets is expecting to accept a lot more high school students with lower GPAs than previous years. The Stupe would interview admissions officers, but we are still trying to find them so we’ll save that for our next issue.
Disclaimer: this article is a part of The Stupe and is satire
